We’re still very much in a coronavirus lockdown here in the UK, but old conversational habits die hard – especially when there are only so many questions left to ask. This means that, in the past 24 hours, I’ve had no less than six people ask me what I got up to last night.

To be honest, I have no idea what they want me to say. As mentioned already, we are in an actual lockdown and are only allowed to go outside for a few very specific reasons, which means I usually spend my evenings drifting from room to room, eating little pieces of cheese and occasionally slumping down on the sofa to flick through Netflix until I can decently say it’s late enough to go to bed.

With this in mind, and with the hope of spicing up my conversations during the Covid-19 quarantine, I’ve come up with a few alternative, very serious (read: not serious at all) ways to respond when someone asks you what you got up to last night.

You’re very welcome.

Instead of saying: “I had a cheeky wine in the garden”

Say: “I partook in an al fresco wine tasting. It was glorious. I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the chardonnay.”

Instead of saying: “I watched Tiger King on Netflix”

Say: “I watched an innovative and divisive documentary exploring the complex relationship between man and beast. It threw up some interesting philosophical dilemmas, actually.”

Instead of saying: “I went for a walk”

Say: “I indulged in my evening constitutional.”

Instead of saying: “I chatted to some friends on Zoom”

Say: “Some close acquaintances and I met face-to-face using a cloud-based video conferencing service, whereupon we discussed all manner of things.”

Instead of saying: “I finished my book”

Take a leaf out of Jane Austen’s book and say: “I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of anything than of a book!”

Instead of saying: “I scrolled aimlessly through Instagram”

Say: “I visited the world’s largest image gallery and perused the many exhibits on display, in order to gather inspiration for the interior design of my future home, outfits I will wear once I can go outside again, and cakes I will bake once I can actually buy flour and eggs.”

Instead of saying: “I ate all my quarantine snacks in one sitting”

Say: “I struggled in vain to curb my innermost desires, but alas! I am only human, and some temptations cannot be resisted.”

Instead of saying: “I played video games for a bit”

Say: “I used an innovative software system to test my mental and physical reflexes, not to mention my decision-making.”

Instead of saying: “I went to the supermarket”

Say: “I embarked on an intrepid mission outdoors, in a bid to replenish our supplies and see us through this infernal quarantine.”

Instead of saying: “ I made a spot of dinner”

Say: “Cooking is an expression that crosses boundaries, and last night saw me transcend all boundaries as I whipped up a culinary storm in my kitchen.”

Instead of saying: “I tried to do a Joe Wicks workout”

Say: “I did my best to exert myself with the help of an old friend. One always feels better when the blood starts pumping, doesn’t one?”

Instead of saying: “I had a shower”

Say: “I shed my clothes, until I was as naked as the day I was born, and stepped under a stream of gushing water. It cleansed me, body and soul, and left me feeling utterly invigorated.”

Instead of saying: “I did a lot of unnecessary online shopping”

Make like Barbra Streisand in Hello Dolly and say: “Money, pardon the expression, is like manure. It’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around, encouraging young things to grow.  And so I sacrificed my disposable income in a bid to give the economy a boost.”

Instead of saying: “I fell asleep on the sofa”

Say: “I hunkered down for the night far from my creature comforts, with nary a duvet or pillow in sight.”

Please note this article was originally published on 8 April.

Main image: Getty

Other images: Getty/Zohre Nemati on Unsplash