I am, I think, what they call an extroverted introvert. While I do need my own time and my own space, I also like having plans with friends. I like meeting new people. I like socialising. Or rather, I used to. Since the pandemic, I’ve noticed that my ability to feel comfortable and energised after a social encounter has all but gone out the window. Instead, more often than not, I find myself leaving social situations feeling depleted, anxious and awkward.

Did I say the wrong thing? I wonder on the walk home. Why did I do that weird mime motion of a keyboard while talking about writing? I think with a pang of embarrassment. Why couldn’t I just ask another question to fill that awkward silence? After all those days speaking to no one but my partner – and all those uncomfortable Zoom meetings – have I lost my skills in the art of conversation?

It seems I am not alone in my fears. “My friend and I had to have a phone call after we went to a play together because we were so anxious about the other one misinterpreting silences in the conversation,” Kate*, 27, tells me. Meera*, 31, says she has even started turning down invites for one-on-one meet-ups with people she doesn’t know that well: “I feel like I now need someone else there in case I get too awkward and have nothing to say.”

Jade Thomas, psychotherapist and founder of Luxe Psychology Practice, says that many people struggled to readjust to socialising again after the pandemic – with long-lasting effects still being felt in 2023, when the legal restrictions on our social lives are long gone. 

“Socialising can work in the same way as building a habit: the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and the less you do it or more you avoid it, the more anxiety-provoking or difficult it becomes,” she says. “Research has shown that if you isolate people for an extended period of time you will end up feeling a sense of awkwardness and social anxiety. Social skills can be like a muscle – they need to be exercised otherwise they stiffen up.”

This, Thomas continues, can help explain “why some individuals are still struggling with socialising in a post-pandemic world”.

That’s right. Even three years since the start of the pandemic, many people are still finding it difficult to rebuild their socialising muscle. Last year, 59% of respondents to a survey said they found it harder to form relationships and friendships since the pandemic. Another 2023 study noted that cases of social anxiety had increased during Covid-19, and those cases didn’t simply disappear once pandemic regulations were over.

Today, while the height of the pandemic might be behind us, conditions still aren’t exactly conducive to socialising. For one thing, the cost of living has been steadily rising since 2021, with astronomical rents, food prices and energy bills plunging many into financial crisis. In turn, many of us are cutting back on socialising, opting to stay in rather than head out for an overpriced pint. 

The work-from-home revolution, while welcome in many ways, also means we’re out of the habit of practising small talk with colleagues by the office kettle. This summer’s weather has put a dampener on things, too – quite literally. In the UK, this July was the sixth wettest on record. When it isn’t raining, the weather has been unseasonably chilly and grey. It’s yet another reason why many are opting for a quieter social calendar, again reducing our opportunities to hone our rusty conversational skills.

Of course, the pandemic isn’t at the heart of everyone’s conversational difficulties, as Thomas notes: “Many neurodivergent individuals often struggle with social skills or socialising, which can lead to high levels of anxiety about social situations.” But for some neurodiverse people, the pandemic actually helped them feel more conversationally confident – and they’re still reaping the benefits today. 

“Since the pandemic, I haven’t noticed a drop in my conversation, just a drop in my interest in masking,” says Billie, 28, from London. “As someone with ADHD, I always used to try to be shiny and normal, which included making polite chit-chat. Now that I’ve spent so much time not masking and just being myself, it’s really hard to put the mask back on.”

Billie feels that her new approach to social situations is for the best, observing that it’s not solely her ‘job’ to keep conversation going. “If someone else drops it and I’m not in the mood to pick it back up, I just won’t,” she says. “I feel more comfortable in myself now and I don’t feel the need to behave in certain ways in social spaces. It’s not my job to maintain everyone else’s social comfort levels.”

If you have been struggling to feel comfortable in social situations ever since the pandemic, according to Thomas, there are ways you can rebuild your social skills.

Here are a few ideas to try:

1. Start small: practise in social situations you feel comfortable in, such as with close friends or family. Don’t put yourself into unfamiliar, anxiety-provoking situations too quickly; allow the process to be gradual.

 2. Ask open-ended questions: in other words, questions that need more than a simple yes or no answer. This can help improve the quality and flow of your conversations. 

3. Improve your body language: try to avoid appearing closed off or uninterested, for example with your arms crossed. Make use of hand gestures and your facial expressions, as non-verbal communication is just as important in a conversation as verbal communication.

4. Fake it til you make it: visualisation can be a very powerful tool, particularly when building confidence. If you imagine what a confident, sociable person would look like, you can model their actions and the way they communicate.

5. Find opportunities to socialise: practice makes perfect, and the more you avoid social situations the more your anxiety will build. As a result, it’s important to gradually expose yourself to new social situations to give you opportunities to build your social skills.

Everyone starts with a different level of comfort in social situations, so everyone’s journey back to ‘normal’ after the pandemic will look very different. Some people may wish to practise their conversational skills – others may want to change their approach to socialising altogether. Either way, if you’re feeling weird about your ability to converse, cut yourself some slack. Chances are, most other people are too.

* Details changed on request

Images: Getty