The very phrase ‘working mum’ leaves a trail of stereotypes in its wake: frazzled mum with a child on one arm and a phone in the other, bashing away at a laptop trying to ‘have it all’. A corporate go-getter in a pinstripe suit determined to keep climbing the ladder at the expense of her family. A suspiciously zen earth mother with a side hustle that can’t possibly be turning a profit. These clichés are at best laughable and outdated, and at worst harmful.

In Stylist’s recent ‘This Is 30’ survey, 49% of mums agreed that trying to juggle work and family life is one of their biggest challenges, while 84% of those surveyed felt that women are expected to live up to impossible standards.

It’s a sentiment that’s reflected in a White Paper commissioned by Maltesers® as part of their Let’s Lighten The Load® campaign. The research seeks to explore the challenges faced by working mums and offer real solutions as well as deepening society’s understanding of these issues. 

The White Paper found that 69% of working mums in the UK have suffered some type of discrimination or negative treatment in the workplace due to becoming a mum, while 55% say they need more support from employers and colleagues to be the working mum they want to be.

So, what’s the actual reality for working mums away from the stereotypes, Motherland-esque parodies and statistics? We asked nine women what they want people to know about the realities of working motherhood – here’s what they told us…

You’ll become better at your job

“You actually become more efficient and better at time management at work. Dawdling in the office and then staying late is no longer an option. Got nursery pick-up at 4 o’clock? No problem – expect the document by 3 as I knew the deadline would be tight and booked out time in my day. You need something this week? OK, looking at my schedule that’s not possible, so it’ll be early next week which still works within the wider project timeframe. 

“Pushing back confidently is a crucial skill in juggling work and children, so don’t be afraid of becoming a working mum. It can completely change your work character and people often respect that. Work is no longer the top priority and that’s OK.”

Oonagh, 39, managing director, two children aged 2 and 6

You begin to own who you are

“Last week I was on a call delivering a training session to a bunch of leaders. My son – aged 18 – commando crawled in to ask me a question that apparently couldn’t wait. Everyone on the call watched him crawl towards my desk in his boxers as one by one they dissolved into laughter. 

“My best tip for working mums everywhere (and it took me a long old time to realise it) is be real, be you and own who you are. That way, when something unexpected happens like the above, no one is really surprised because they know me. Never be afraid to shout from the rooftops that you’re a working mum and that it’s a really important part of your life. We shouldn’t have to hide the reality of it.”

Sarah, 51, self-leadership coach, two children aged 21 and 18

Group chats are the enemy

“You have a constant imposter syndrome feeling of never doing anything particularly well. I feel like I’m always doing things slightly less well than I’d like – even things like answering messages in the WhatsApp chat I have with the other mums in my social group feels like a task that I’m failing at. 

“I find myself comparing myself to how well they seem to be coping, which doesn’t help my mental health. In many ways I’m jealous of mums who don’t work, although I know that would also do my head in in other ways.”

Cass, 38, teacher, one child aged 2

People are spinning more plates than you might imagine

“I think people sometime have the perception that working mums are only juggling childcare with their careers, but there’s often even more going on behind the scenes.

“I have two children and a full time job, which is challenging enough, but my mum recently moved in with us, and she needs a lot of care. The children are in school now - otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to manage - but I work in retail, so working from home isn’t an option for me, which has made things very challenging.

“I’m lucky to have a lot of family around to help out, but I do worry that I’m being pulled in too many different directions to give each of them the attention they deserve.”

Seema, 44, two children aged 8 and 10

The value of saying ‘no’ massively increases

“It’s OK to say no to both projects and people who don’t align with your core values as a working parent. Not everyone will understand this, but the important thing is to push back on things you simply don’t have time to do. Always protect your own boundaries – without those, you’re going to lose the work/life battle. 

“I’m a huge fan of speaking directly about budgets and freelancing. I’ve found that asking clients what their budgets are up front has saved me hundreds of working hours, not to mention my sanity. In reality, I say no on a monthly basis when it comes to potential clients contacting me. A lot of people want a lot of work for small fees which just isn’t feasible for me.”

Emma, 33, digital marketer, two children aged 4 and 1

Some balls will have to drop

“When people ask how to juggle both work and motherhood, the reality is you can’t. If I’m on a late work call, people should know that I’m opting out of an evening with my children, making dinner, reading or spending time together.

“Equally, if I’m at a school play, I’m opting out of important meetings or reading that document. It’s a constant juggle and often balls are dropped to keep everything moving. The key is to regularly assess which balls are made of plastic (and can bounce back) and which are made of glass.”

Izzy, 29, data manager, one child aged 4 and twins aged 8 months

Success takes on a different meaning

“For me, the big change about being a working mum has been around reframing what success looks like to me. Success used to be about how well I was doing in my career, my job title and how much I was earning. 

“Now I base success on the overall happiness of my family and how balanced things are. I know a lot of working mums feel guilty all the time about everything – guilty that they’re not spending enough time with their kids, guilty that they’re not giving enough to work… I really try to not feel that way because it would just go on forever and make me feel awful.

“If I’m not feeling guilty and I’m managing to make things work, that’s success for me. It’s only really become possible for me by going part-time and having my career progression stagnate a bit. That sounds quite depressing but it’s not. It’s been a huge positive for me.”

Alicia, 37, architect, two children aged 10 and 8

It’s all worth it in the end

“Yes, it’s a constant juggle and no you can’t have it all, but I wouldn’t have swapped it for the world. I remember having a totally rubbish day at work and coming home to make different coloured hats out of bits of paper for my daughter’s Teletubbies dolls with her. My crappy work problems went right out of my head, where they would otherwise have gnawed away at me all evening.

“My kids always help me put the rest of my life into perspective. Our house is a constant mess and I haven’t ironed since my daughter was four, but none of that stuff really matters if your children are happy.”

Judy, 54, journalist, two children aged 14 and 17

Your negotiation skills sharpen

“People at work won’t automatically register school run/pick-up times, so it’s wise to set your diary to ‘busy’ at those times to get things back into a schedule that works for you. Fortunately, dealing with a toddler will make you an expert negotiator overnight, but it would be nice if it wasn’t always so necessary.”

Luana, 33, graphic designer, one child aged 5

Maltesers, in partnership with Comic Relief, is working towards a future where women no longer face injustice. Together, we’re working to lighten the load for working mums and help women thrive. For links to additional support and to find out more about what Maltesers are doing to ease the load click here. 

Mars Wrigley is donating £500,000 in 2024 to Comic Relief, operating name of Charity Projects, registered charity in England & Wales (326568) and Scotland (SC039730).