We’ve all seen – or been – that friend who has to have their phone in their eyeline at all times in case they need to do something work-related. They’ll get out their laptop while lounging on the sofa just to ‘sort some emails’ or nip out of a restaurant to jump on a crisis.

That behaviour is frustrating when it’s self-inflicted, when someone has poor work-life boundaries or might even be struggling with full-on work addiction. And it’s tempting to berate your mate with a call to just bloody switch off and stop working. 

But it’s tricky when it’s not the choice of the person doing it, but rather their manager. It’s all well and good to say you won’t stay late in the office or check your emails at the weekend, but if your boss is constantly messaging out-of-hours – and expecting a response – those boundaries dissolve like candy floss in a puddle. 

In those cases, where you care about work-life balance but your manager clearly doesn’t, what can you do? Is it possible to change their behaviour or are you doomed to be dragged out of balance with them? 

Before you resign yourself to a life of always being on call, try these tips. 

As tempting as it may be to assume that your boss is a malevolent demon intent on ruining your evenings and weekends, the reality is likely to be a little different. Before rushing into hating them with all your might, consider why they’re sending you messages with no respect for your time off. 

“There are a number of reasons that a manager may message outside work, which include a culture of long hours and pressure from their manager,” Ekua Cant, a career coach and trainer at Be Your No.1 Cheerleader, tells Stylist. “It could be that the manager has micromanaging tendencies and always wants to be in control rather than delegating and trusting. It may be that they are a new manager and feeling insecure, so messaging outside of work makes them feel more reassured that they have all the details and that things are under control. Or they may not even realise what they are doing is intrusive because they habitually work outside hours and think it’s normal.”

Ever heard of positive reinforcement? If each time someone does something, they’re rewarded as a result (whether that’s with a tasty treat or attention), they’ll keep doing it. When your boss messages you on a Sunday night… do you do what they want and complete whatever task they’ve asked of you? If so… they’re going to keep doing the same behaviour, because they know it’s rewarded. 

“Don’t assume that messaging outside of working hours is malicious, or even conscious,” notes career coach Beth Stallwood. “Your boss is probably under more pressure than you realise and might not have stopped to consider the impact of their behaviour. Also, they might well have taken your replies as permission to keep doing it.”

“We’ve all had to work late at some point in our careers to prepare for an important meeting or presentation, but if your boss regularly tries to reach you outside working hours, it can be draining and should be addressed,” Charlotte Davies, careers expert at LinkedIn, tells us. “Responding can create an unhealthy expectation of constant availability, blurring the lines between our professional and personal lives and have a significant impact on our mental health and job satisfaction.

“Setting clear boundaries and pushing back in these scenarios can be difficult, but crucial if you want to avoid burnout further down the line. Open communication and mutual respect are key to a healthy work-life dynamic.

“If the issue persists, have an open conversation with your manager about the impact of after-hours messages on your work-life balance and wellbeing. Make sure to come prepared with instances where you received out-of-hours messages and explain how it made you feel.”

A Slack status that declares you’re in the woods with no signal (even if you’re horizontal on the sofa in full possession of excellent wifi); an out-of-office that’s set for the second 5pm hits; automatic replies that reiterate your working hours – all of these are excellent tools in your arsenal, so use them. 

“Set an out-of-office message that states your boundary clearly but not passive-aggressively,” Stallwood recommends. “Something like ‘Thanks for your email. My working hours are 9am to 6.30pm. If your email is urgent, please call me. Otherwise, you can expect a response on my next working day.’ Also, be aware that this probably isn’t a one-and-done situation. You are going to need to keep talking about this problem and checking in on it regularly.”

“To navigate this situation it is important to reply and let them know you are not at work right now and that you will respond the following day in during working hours,” Cant says. “Do that a couple of times and then do not respond to further messages.”

Refusing to reply to messages and ensuring your status is set to ‘away’ will only go so far. If you find your manager is still bombarding you with communication when you’re not working, you will need to have a chat where you clearly ask them to quit it. 

Cant advises going into this conversation with solutions in mind. “After this happens a few times and you can see a pattern, it is helpful to raise it in your 1-2-1 meeting and communicate to your manager how sending these messages is making you less productive at work,” she explains. “Talk with your manager about how you can put in place systems, guides or provide updates in work time that negate the need for messages outside of work time. Alternative suggestions include sending your manager an email or message with any key updates before you leave the office for the day.”

There will be times when actually, you do want your boss to message you even if you’re not working – in a genuine emergency, for example, or perhaps when it’s to do with a project you’re really keen to be involved with. Don’t panic that asserting a boundary about this means you’re banning your manager from ever contacting you. Instead, be clear about what you need and how this may change in different scenarios. 

“Have a grown-up conversation with your boss and talk about the need for some boundaries so that you can be at your best during working hours,” Stallwood recommends. “The boundaries you want to set here are what I call ‘bouncy boundaries’, in which you get to decide what’s OK, what you do need to respond to and what can wait. Maybe there are days or times it’s OK to message late, and others that aren’t. It has to work for you.”

You might be reading this feeling guilty about your out-of-hours communication ways. Or perhaps you’re mildly outraged by the idea that your team might not like this. 

If so, please heed the following advice. 

Cant says: “If you’re the manager and you keep sending messages outside of work time, consider how you can get the information that you need during work time and what’s driving you to do this. Remember that as a manager you also have a responsibility to support the health and wellbeing of yourself and your team members. This may also be an opportunity for you to consider your own work-life balance and where you can make improvements. 

“Remember that we all make mistakes. So if you recognise this in yourself, be vulnerable, ask for feedback and be willing to change the way you work. Ask for feedback about how you can work more effectively together with your team. Finally, you may want to seek support from a coach or a therapist to assist you in finding the root cause and building lasting behavioural change, for your personal growth and career development.”

Stallwood adds: “A lot of managers say they don’t expect a response, but most team members want to do a good job and not responding can cause anxiety in itself. Not messaging in the first place demonstrates that you respect people’s lives outside of work, and you’ll get real engagement in return for that. Use the delayed message option in your email app and reserve out-of-hours messaging for actual crises and one-offs.”

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Images: Getty