Thanks to lockdowns, remote working and ever-increasing screen time, we’re out of practice when it comes to everyday face-to-face communication. In many ways, our avoidance of office small talk makes sense; according to the survey commissioned by Tilda, 40% of young adults likened small talk to “learning a new language”.

However, as much as we might try to avoid it, small talk can benefit everyone involved. A scientific study published in PLOS One found that even just four minutes of small talk can help you to co-operate more closely with somebody. Another study published in the Academy Of Management journal found that small talk – which it defined as “trivial communication not core to task completion” – enhanced employees’ daily positive social emotions at work and enhanced wellbeing at the end of the workday. So why do people find it difficult to initiate such conversations?

Dr Sham Singh, a psychiatrist at the Winit Clinic, says one of the reasons we might find office small talk difficult is because it can seem “superficial, performative or simply tiring, especially for folks who like deeper types of conversations that are more structured. Many have learned to value efficiency and task-oriented conversations, thus rendering casual chats less useful or even distracting from productivity.”

Michelle Ruth, a BACP-accredited therapist interested in work-related stress and workplace mental health, says: “As humans, we are wired for social connection. So most of the time, whether we realise it or not, we are seeking deep connections with others.” Small talk, then, is the opposite of this.

In addition, the pressure to self-monitor can add to the pressure that makes small talk so stressful. Dr Nivedita Nayak, a psychologist specialising in social behaviour and communication, says: “Many people overthink what they are saying, worrying about how they are being perceived or whether they will run out of things to talk about. This constant analysis makes a simple conversation feel more like a performance, which drains energy rather than creating ease.”

There can also be other factors at play. “From a psychological standpoint, [the fear of small talk] can be accounted for with challenging personality traits, social anxiety or cognitive load,” Dr Singh says. “For introverts, small talk is draining because it demands frequent socialisation with no reward of a meaningful connection. For those affected by social anxiety, the prospect of small talk often triggers fears of being judged or of conversing awkwardly.”

Dr Nayak notes that neurodivergent individuals, including those with ADHD or autism spectrum traits, can find small talk difficult because “their brains tend to prefer structured, goal-oriented conversations rather than casual exchanges that do not seem to serve a clear purpose”.

We know that everybody has different ways of working, which is not only normal but can contribute to workplace creativity and productivity. However, if what the experts are saying feels familiar, here are four ways to overcome your fear of small talk.

Dr Nayak suggests that asking questions that invite a real response is likely to make small talk more engaging. “Instead of the usual ‘How are you?’ trying something like ‘What was the most interesting part of your day?’ or ‘What is something fun you are looking forward to?’ encourages a more natural flow of conversation.” She says listening out for natural openings can be helpful. For example, if someone is discussing a weekend trip, Dr Nayak says rather than responding with a simple “that sounds nice”, follow up with a question that shows genuine interest, like: “What made you choose that place?” or “Would you go there again?”

In terms of applying this to work-related chat, Dr Singh recommends asking open-ended questions like: “What’s something interesting you’re working on this week?” or “Have you seen any interesting trends in our industry?”

Dr Singh says that practising small talk in low-pressure situations, for example with a barista, can help you build confidence for larger engagements like those in the workplace.

Dr Nayak agrees, adding: “The more people engage in these short exchanges, the easier they become. Knowing how to exit a conversation smoothly can also relieve some of the pressure. A simple ‘It was great chatting; enjoy the rest of your day’ allows for a polite and natural way to move on without feeling awkward.”

Dr Singh suggests applying cognitive-behavioral techniques if you’re feeling anxious about making small talk. “Pre-rehearsing responses or using grounding techniques like deep breathing can reduce anticipatory anxiety.”     

Ruth advises getting to know your own boundaries when it comes to small talk and workplace discussions – particularly when it comes to socialising with colleagues. She suggests asking yourself what your ‘safe’ topics and red flags are and to think of ways to can avoid situations that make you feel uncomfortable.

Ruth adds: “There is no right or wrong when it comes to being comfortable/uncomfortable with small talk.” She says that by knowing where you stand and what you need when faced with a small talk situation, you should hopefully be able to reduce your anxiety.

Dr Nayak agrees: “People often assume that good small talkers are naturally outgoing, but in reality, it is a skill that can be developed with the right approach.”

Images: Getty