At first glance, the concept of being a people-pleaser seems like a lovely thing. You want to please people. That’s nice, right? 

But the reality of people-pleasing is rather different. Endlessly wanting to make other people happy can come at the expense of your own happiness. It can make you go above and beyond to the point of burnout. It can also hold you back from being honest; when you’re desperate to win everyone over, it’s hard to give people the feedback they may well need. 

When it comes to the world of work, the ramifications of people-pleasing can be especially disastrous. “Underneath the surface of too much harmony lurks a darker reality of overlooked bad behaviours and missed opportunities,” says Nick Robinson, a coach and the author of The 9 Types Of Difficult People: How To Spot Them And Quickly Improve Working Relationships. “To progress in your career, whatever level you’re at, you’ll need to have difficult conversations and tackle issues. When pleasing takes priority, those necessary frank and difficult conversations, and any accountability, fall by the wayside. This can be frustrating for others and end up damaging some of your working relationships or holding you back.

“When you’re a people-pleaser, you might find yourself resorting to shortcuts or doing tasks yourself if someone else isn’t pulling their weight, so that no one finds out your colleagues aren’t up to scratch. You might also find others are taking advantage of your craving to avoid confrontation, grabbing resources you need or dumping work and toxic people on you.”

All that is… not great! So, how do we ditch our people-pleasing ways? Robinson shares some tips ahead. 

Before you can tackle people-pleasing, you’ll need to acknowledge that there’s a problem. “Being a people-pleaser is like being the conductor of a concert orchestra, guided by a silent belief that if the players aren’t happy, the music stops,” Robinson tells Stylist. “This approach, rooted in a lack of confidence, turns conducting into an exhausting act of appeasement. It silences the conductor’s voice in a bid to keep harmony and avoid conflict, even at the cost of their own needs.

“To coach people out of the pleasing trap, I start by raising awareness. Ask yourself, do you often go to have a difficult conversation and then find an excuse not to? Or do you put off implementing a big change, forever procrastinating and waiting for ‘the right time’?” 

Once you’ve identified the behaviour, try looking a little deeper. Robinson recommends asking what the inner voice that whispers doubt in your ear is actually saying to you. What do you believe will happen if you don’t please everyone? What’s at the root of your tendencies? 

Perhaps you aren’t confident in your skills, so you feel like you have to prove yourself in other ways. Maybe you’ve long been told that you have to be ‘nice’. You might even fear getting sacked or ‘in trouble’ for having any sort of disagreement. 

It’s important to look into these lines of thought, understand your personal people-pleasing patterns and challenge those worries. Remind yourself that it’s natural to disagree and that often success at work relies on honest feedback. 

“There are lots of frameworks for holding difficult conversations,” says Robinson. “Mine includes: preparing for the conversation, arranging when and where to have it, deciding what outcomes to ask for, staying professional and composed and agreeing on a plan of action.” 

The preparation and plan of action is key. Aim to go into each conversation with a clear idea of what you want to get out of the discussion, how you’re going to communicate what you need and the agenda points you’ll set at the end. 

If the idea of a difficult conversation terrifies you, don’t be afraid to ask for support. “Ask your boss, an external coach or an HR colleague,” Robinson recommends. “It’s a vulnerable thing to ask for support in this way, but it’s worth it.”

“Learning to say ‘no’ is an art form for the chronic people-pleaser,” Robinson shares. “It’s a bit like deciding not to fill your plate at a buffet just because everything’s available.”

He advises reminding yourself that each ‘yes’ you give away often means saying ‘no’ to something else. Whenever you’re asked to pick up an additional task, try that framework. Rather than saying a flat ‘nope’ (which can feel like jumping in the deep end for those with people-pleasing tendencies), you could respond with something like: ‘I can definitely do that, but it will mean reprioritising my workload. What task would you be comfortable with me dropping to make space for this?’ Be clear (with yourself and your colleagues) what each ‘yes’ really means in terms of time and effort. 

Robinson adds: “Begin by evaluating each request against your true capacity and priorities. Start small, with manageable requests where a ‘no’ feels safer, and gradually build your confidence.”

Each time you challenge yourself to go against your people-pleaser tendencies, whether that’s by saying ‘no’ or being honest about your true feelings, remind yourself why you’re doing this. Having a clear understanding of the purpose behind tackling people-pleasing will help you keep on track when the temptation to revert to your usual habits strikes. 

Remind yourself what you lose when you people-please. You lose your time, your energy, the opportunity for honesty, the chance for authentic connection, the opportunity for everyone to create their best work thanks to constructive feedback. And reframe the results of not people-pleasing as positive, so you don’t feel like you’re just pissing people off for no reason. 

“People-pleasers who embrace the power of honest and respectful communication and develop the confidence to disrupt things when necessary, can unravel the paradox of too much harmony,” says Robinson. “What follows is a better version of harmony: a more authentic, balanced workplace where respect and genuine collaboration lead to innovation and productivity.

“If this strikes a chord with you, identify one situation today where you’ve been a people-pleaser and decide to take a different approach. It’s the first step to reclaiming your power at work.”

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Images: Getty