Even if you don’t consider yourself a people-pleaser, most of us will be familiar with the feeling that someone is unhappy or upset with you, whether at work or in life generally. It’s not a pleasant sensation. Being on the receiving end of a colleague, friend or family member’s displeasure can invoke a visceral reaction, leading to symptoms like a racing heart, sweaty palms and nausea. Put simply, it sends us into a fight-or-flight response. 

Short of bending over backward to make sure we’re not disappointing people (and we’re certainly not advocating this), it’s difficult to go through life, much less your career, without ever upsetting someone. However, learning to tolerate the discomfort that comes with people feeling upset with you could make you more effective and emotionally resilient at work. 

“As hard as it might feel, especially in the workplace where we spend so much of our time, it’s important to remember that there will be moments when people are upset with you or simply don’t like you; that’s life,” says Advita Patel, founder of CommsRebel, confidence coach and co-author of Building A Culture Of Inclusivity. “Once we accept that and let go of that pressure, life and work start to feel a little lighter.” 

But this is easier said than done, and it’s a skill many of us could do with working on. We’ve asked the experts for their take on why it’s so difficult to tolerate someone being upset with us and find out how we can learn to handle it better. 

There’s no doubt that many of us attach huge significance to our workplace persona, and when things go wrong (which they inevitably do), it can be hard to separate our self-esteem from how we’re performing in the office, meaning that the smallest slight can have a big impact. 

“Workplace relationships impact our sense of competence, belonging, and even job security,” says Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic. “When someone is upset with us, it can trigger self-doubt or a fear of conflict, making us anxious. Many people take workplace tension personally, even when it’s just part of professional life.” 

It’s not easy to compartmentalise work failings separately from personal failings, but it is worth working on. 

“In the workplace, where collaboration and approval are currency, the fear of upsetting others can be emotionally exhausting,” explains Steven Buchwald, a psychotherapist and co-founder of Manhattan Mental Health Counseling. “Struggling to tolerate others being unhappy with us is often rooted in a deep-seated need for validation. We equate approval with job security, social belonging and even self-worth. These all make disapproval feel like a threat rather than a normal part of workplace dynamics.”

We’re hard-wired to dislike conflict

There’s also a deeper, more innate reason that we struggle with upsetting people: it’s evolutionary. 

“When we sense someone is unhappy with us, our brain often interprets it as a threat to connection or belonging,” says trauma and anxiety therapist Chris Meaden. “This can activate the amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm system, triggering a stress response even if the danger isn’t physical. That’s why we feel it so viscerally: tight chest, racing heart, stomach dropping. It’s a survival response, wired into us from early life when being accepted by others meant safety and inclusion.”

It is possible to learn to be better able to sit with the discomfort of disapproving co-workers. We’re not going to lie, though: it’s not easy. 

“If we don’t learn how to manage these reactions, they can lead to anxiety, people-pleasing and emotional exhaustion,” warns Meaden. “Over time, we become hyper-attuned to others’ moods and disconnected from our own needs. Being able to regulate these feelings builds resilience, self-worth and better boundaries, which are essential for healthy relationships, both at work and more generally.”

The experts advise taking the following steps if you’re struggling with this. 

1. Recognise it’s not necessarily your fault

“I think the most important thing to keep in mind when facing someone who is unhappy with us in the workplace is that their unhappiness isn’t necessarily a sign that we have failed or are deficient,” explains Portia Hickey, a workplace psychologist and behavioural scientist. “It is a sign that what we’ve done hasn’t met their needs, which is a slight but important difference.”

2. Name it and check it

Meaden advises the ‘name it and check it’ technique. “Simply noticing and naming the emotion (“I feel unsettled because I think they’re upset”) helps reduce its intensity,” he tells Stylist. “Next, check it: ask yourself, have they actually said they’re upset? Our minds often jump to conclusions.”

3. Let go of your inner child

“We often carry subconscious beliefs formed in childhood that say, ‘If someone’s upset, I must be to blame,’” notes Meaden. “These beliefs get reinforced over time and play out in adulthood, even when the logic doesn’t stack up. It’s the inner child bracing for trouble, not the adult seeing things clearly.”

4. Accept that disagreement is inevitable

As mentioned above, conflict is a fact of life, and the more we can get comfortable with this, the better. “Accept that you can’t control others’ emotions and that disagreement is inevitable,” advises Dr Touroni. “Try to reframe discomfort as a normal part of work rather than something to fix.”

5. Soothe your nervous system  

Working on being OK with people’s unhappiness is a long-term job, but when you’re in the moment, the first thing to do is to calm your nervous system and get yourself out of fight-or-flight mode. “Gentle relaxation techniques and slow rhythmic breathing calm the amygdala and help shift the brain out of panic mode,” says Meaden. 

6. Develop resilience

In order to accept discomfort in the workplace, you’re going to need to work on your resilience. “Build emotional resilience by separating your self-worth from others’ reactions, setting boundaries and practising clear communication,” suggests Dr Touroni. “The more you tolerate discomfort, the more confident and grounded you’ll feel.”

7. Try to sit with the discomfort

“Getting comfortable with difficult emotions, both yours and others’, is a skill,” notes George Sik, a chartered psychologist and workplace expert. “The instinct is often to try to ‘fix’ the discomfort immediately, but sometimes the best thing you can do is sit with it. Pay attention to how certain emotions trigger a defensive or anxious reaction in you, and practise tolerating them rather than reacting impulsively.”

Images: Getty; Adobe