“I recently joined a new office and my colleagues went out of their way to make me feel welcome. However, I’m only a month or so in and I’ve noticed some of them are quite overfamiliar – already making jokes at my expense, mocking me in front of others and commenting on my personal life. I can take a joke but I feel like they don’t know me well enough yet to be interacting with me in such a personal way and it’s making me uncomfortable. I don’t want to be a killjoy, but how do I politely tell them to back off a bit?”

It must be disheartening and a bit confusing to have gone from being welcomed one minute to mocked and humiliated the next. It feels as though you’re the victim of a well-established office culture that has never been challenged. When it’s light-hearted and well-meaning, office banter is healthy: it helps co-workers bond and creates a warm atmosphere that releases the stresses and strains of the normal day. Alarm bells should ring, however, when the jokes veer from gentle teasing to thoughtless cruelty.

I’m guessing that so far you have smiled through gritted teeth at the relentless wisecracking. Unfortunately, your demeanour will be a signal that you’re relaxed with the joshing and even possibly enjoying it. Your dilemma is how to let others know when their comments have become inappropriate. It would be a good idea firstly to sound out some colleagues privately to discover their attitudes. I feel absolutely sure you won’t be the only person who gets fed up when the jokes turn a bit sour and finding some allies will embolden you to do something about it. It takes courage to rebel against such a gabby atmosphere but there’s safety in numbers. It’s important to remember that there are legitimate grounds to complain to a senior manager or HR when conversations are sexist, racist, prejudicial or an invasion of privacy. But as you’re new to this office, it’s worth instead trying to redirect the tone of the office repartee before taking that more drastic course. 

The next time you are offended by someone’s bad joke, try responding with a sardonic put-down of your own. If you deliver your riposte in language and tone that’s authentic to you, the offending character is likely to get the message and either shut up or switch their attention elsewhere. You need to communicate that you have boundaries that you’d like others to respect and you don’t enjoy being the centre of the office rabble-rousing. Although it shouldn’t be the case, it’s a bit like standing up to a class bully in the schoolyard. In the end, everyone will benefit if the taunting is toned down and the quips become more inclusive.

You might also decide that it’s only one or two characters who occasionally cross the line to bad taste. If so, it would be worth talking privately to them to explain your POV. As this office has made an effort to welcome you, I’m guessing they’d be embarrassed that their humour had offended you. Straightforwardly explaining your feelings without too much rancour should help to minimise any awkwardness. The challenge is expressing how much you appreciate the warm and friendly atmosphere with some gentle admonishment for when it becomes a bit insensitive. If you could also use the opportunity to show off your own sense of humour, you’ll be on to a winner. It’s a diplomatic tightrope but you should be heartened by the essential warmth of your new colleagues.

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