Amid all the noise around bare-minimum Mondays, lazy girl jobs and quiet quitting, it might seem hard to believe that there are still those of us who struggle to speak up for ourselves in the workplace. In our bid to be the easiest, best and most accommodating colleague, we’re guilty of not articulating our needs or asking for what we want (and probably deserve). In short, we’re setting ourselves up to feel put upon and resentful.

However easygoing we are, the truth is that at work, as in life, we all have wants and needs that deserve to be met. While our friends and family might be able to read us like a book, in the workplace, the onus is on us to be clear and open about these things.

But whether it’s a big want (like a pay rise) or a simple tweak to our work situation (that corner desk, for example), many of us struggle to summon up the courage to ask for things in the workplace. For some people, even asking for something as simple as time off to attend a doctor’s appointment is anxiety-inducing, and it’s no surprise that this can then have an impact on our productivity and mindset. 

With this in mind, we asked the experts for their top tips to help you feel confident and calm in the office – you need never avoid an awkward work chat again. 

The sad truth is that even the most outwardly confident of us can struggle when it comes to having our needs met, work-wise. But before you tie yourself up in knots, listen to our experts’ advice.

“Remember that it’s in your employer’s interest for you to feel happy and engaged at work,” says Dr Gary Crotaz, an executive coach and award-winning author of The IDEA Mindset – Figure Out What You Want From Work And How To Get It. “Gallup analysis shows that businesses with excellent employee engagement have 43% lower turnover, 81% lower absenteeism, 18% higher productivity and 10% better customer loyalty compared with businesses with poor employee engagement.”

And getting what you want (and need) helps you to feel purposeful at work. Research shows that employees who feel purposeful are six times more likely to feel resilient, four times more likely to feel healthy, six times more likely to want to stick with the company and one and a half times more likely to want to go above and beyond in the work that they do – so asking for the things you need really is a win-win.

Well, it’s complicated. Research shows that social conditioning plays a huge role here, with studies showing that women who come across as confident and assertive in the work place are also seen as lacking in social skills. 

“We struggle as women to ask for what we want because we think asking makes us look difficult and not ‘nice’,” says careers mentor Laurie MacPherson. “There’s also a notion that we are lucky to have jobs so should just do what our bosses say, but this has shifted a lot since Covid, and there’s more of an understanding that we are all human and work is one part of our lives, not the whole thing.”

If you’re someone who finds these kinds of conversations tricky, you’re likely to struggle with them outside of work too. Confidence and self-esteem are major factors here, as are previous negative experiences. 

“When we want to ask for something, we are often carrying around a lifetime of invisible baggage on our shoulders,” explains counsellor Georgina Sturmer. “This baggage weighs us down in all kinds of ways. It might make us feel as if we undeserving and that we should be putting other people first. It might overwhelm us with worries about how we will be perceived. It might remind us of how we felt in the past when we asked for something and our needs weren’t met. All this baggage can paralyse and silence us when we need to speak up.”

But there is good news: you don’t have to feel this way. A little practice goes a long way, so if you regularly flex your asking-for-things muscles, it will get easier. Plus, you might be surprised by just how many times you do get what you want. 

Think about what you really want

Dr Crotaz advises starting the process by writing three shortlists. “Think about what you need – the absolute most critical things,” he says. “Next, consider what you want – things you would like but can live without. Lastly, what are you prepared to compromise on to get all the things you need?”

Work out what’s stopping you 

“What are you afraid of?” asks Sturmer. “When we think about voicing what we need, sometimes we become overwhelmed with negative thoughts – about what other people will think of us and how they might respond. This swirl of thoughts can race around in our heads, making us feel anxious and stuck. And it’s usually based on fear or a collection of fears. Perhaps we are scared that we will embarrass ourselves, that we will get something wrong or that we will be viewed in a negative light.”

Start small 

If you’ve worked out the first two steps but you’re still terrified to approach your boss, try scaling your ideas down. 

“While it’s easy to suggest that we just tune out our fears, the reality is that it can take practice,” agrees Sturmer. “Instead of jumping in feet first to ask for that new client opportunity or that promotion or that change to your work schedule, I’d suggest that you start small. Find a ‘low stakes’ way to ask for what you need and see what happens. How do other people react? How do you feel? And if you had fears beforehand, were they realised? It might allow you to see that the reality is less terrifying than you initially thought.”

Be clear, open and honest 

When you book the conversation, Dr Crotaz advises: “Fire a warning shot so they are prepared for the kind of conversation you’re going to have. Try these as a starter: 

• Hi, I’d like to get some time in to talk about flexible working options.
• I’m dealing with some challenging things right now and I’d like to book some time with you to figure out together how to work through this period.
• Honestly, I’m feeling a bit demotivated right now – can we chat?
• I think I’m reaching burnout. Can we meet to talk about the demands on my time?”

This way, you’re all entering into negotiations prepared. 

Timing is everything

As important as it is to be able to speak up in the first place, it’s equally important to know when to hold your peace - and get your timing right. 

“Ask for a specific meeting, don’t grab people when they are busy,” advises MacPherson. “State clearly what you want and why (practise saying it out loud if it’s a salary negotiation) and think about win-win. How can you make it work for both of you? Once you’ve made your request, stop talking. Wait for them to respond. When you start to get what you want, it makes it so much easier to ask the next time.”

Use ‘I’ statements

“When we are trying to voice what we need with other people, it’s helpful to explain things from our own point of view,” suggests Sturmer. “So rather than saying ‘When you do this, it makes me feel … ‘, we say ‘I feel this way, and so I need …’. This doesn’t just apply to personal relationships. It’s also helpful in a work context. It helps you to express what you need without worrying that you will look like you’re blaming other people.”

Think about what comes next

It’s all too easy to focus so much on the actual conversation that you don’t have a plan for afterwards – whether you get what you’re after or not. 

“Bring to life what happens if nothing changes. Are you unmotivated? Are you thinking about looking for another job?” challenges Dr Crotaz. “How will you finish the conversation with clear next steps agreed? Plan to follow up in writing. And finally, prepare for what you’ll say if they say ‘no’ to everything, or ‘no’ to one or more of your critical things. Is it a no-go unless you get everything or is any movement better than no movement at all?”

So, this is your sign to take a deep breath and go for it. What’s the worst that can happen? You might just be pleasantly surprised. 

Want more news and features about how to work better? Sign up to the How To Work email below. 

Images: Getty