Once upon a time, it was considered poor form to reveal much, if anything, about yourself at work. Being friends with your colleagues was unusual, ‘personal’ chat by the water cooler was deemed inappropriate, and mentioning that you were tired or stressed was seen as admitting defeat. Essentially, being a robot free of all human foibles was the ideal. 

Thankfully, things have shifted. A work/life balance is a valid priority, training sessions focus on resilience rather than just the basics of Excel, and we bring more of ourselves to our working lives, whether in the form of showing our homes on video meetings or catching up about the weekend. 

Some beliefs from the before times have lingered, however, and one of those is that there’s still something ‘wrong’ or ‘unprofessional’ about being emotional at work. Too many of us think that showing emotions is ‘weak’ or signifies that we’re less capable. We’re often incredibly uncomfortable if anger, hurt or envy pop up in the workplace. That’s something Natalie Boudou, an emotional intelligence expert, executive coach and the author of HumanForce: The Power Of Emotions In A Changing Workplace, wants to change. 

“We can’t avoid emotions at work,” Boudou tells Stylist. “We can’t just leave them at home or somewhere on our commute. Yet there is often a reluctance to talk about emotions at work and, in particular, the ones that we find painful. While we receive tips and tools to work effectively, manage meetings and even craft company-style emails, we do not have any guidance on how to work with our emotions when we become upset with a colleague or if a meeting with the boss goes badly. We seem to be happier expressing or talking about pleasant emotions, such as joy and excitement, but the shutters go up for anything that doesn’t feel good to us. 

“Despite some progress over the past few years, many employees often feel they cannot bring their whole selves to work. Recent research just before the pandemic revealed that 30% of line managers considered the expression of emotions at work to be a weakness.”

Boudou suggests that we shouldn’t just destigmatise feeling and showing emotions at work, but accept that emotions at work can be a powerful thing. Rather than trying to squash down our emotions, we should be embracing them. 

Trying to ignore or suppress our emotions doesn’t work. Instead, the feelings you try to smother in the workplace are likely to pop up outside of your 9-5 hours. Boudou says: “You can think about your emotions like email messages that come into your inbox. It’s up to you whether you click on the message to see what it has to say. If you choose to ignore the message it won’t go away. It will come back and find you and will be there when you can’t fall asleep at night or struggle with a headache the next day. 

“When we stifle our emotions and push them aside there can be long-term consequences for our mental health. Examples of this include compensatory behaviours such as excessive eating or drinking as well as withdrawal and disconnection.”

Emotions are also key in creativity, in problem-solving and in getting on with our colleagues. There’s a reason many of our jobs can’t be done better by AI (at least for now), and that’s because being wise to the things that make us human is a vital skill. 

Of course, all this chat about emotions might not stop you from balking at the idea of crying in front of your coworkers. This cultural shift also doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to rant and rave in rage at the slightest irritation. Instead, what we can do on an individual level is work with our emotions rather than automatically trying to shut them off. 

“Once you understand that all emotions have a purpose it then becomes important to work with them so that you can either dial them up (if they are helpful) or dial them down (if they might interfere or negatively impact a situation),” Boudou says. “That choice comes when you are aware of your emotions, when you can accept them and when you can recognise what’s going on. This is emotional work and it’s easier said than done.

“Imagine that a colleague insults you during a meeting at work. You are likely to experience a range of emotions including anger. The anger is letting you know that your colleague has been disrespectful, and you can use this emotion to draw a boundary and ask for repair. Once you can step back and consider what might be behind the emotion you can choose an appropriate course of action.” 

And on a wider level, workplaces should appreciate the importance of emotions and ensure workers feel comfortable enough to express them in a way that’s beneficial. 

“In today’s world creativity is a vital skill to help companies innovate and stay ahead of the curve,” Boudou tells us. “Emotions play a key role in here because energy-sapping emotions such as fear and anger can inhibit creativity. People need to feel safe to come up with new ideas and suggestions. When people feel that there is emotional safety, they will be more confident in sharing ideas and some of those ideas may just turn into winners.” 

In short, being comfortable experiencing and expressing emotions at work is good for us all. It’s time we let go of the shame and embrace what makes us fallible, feeling human beings. 

“Emotions will be present in our everyday exchanges,” Boudou says. “Whether we are talking about giving constructive feedback, resolving a conflict or building trust in the team, recognising and understanding emotions will be the key to successful outcomes.

“Today’s business world has also evolved over the past few years. During the pandemic many people have had a shift in expectations and what they want from the workplace. The need for emotional connection is high on the agenda. With many people working remotely and some experiencing loneliness and even a sense of disconnection, talking about our emotions and checking in with each other at work is good for morale and also engagement. Our ability to connect with our teams, peers, and bosses as humans with emotions brings out the best in them.

“While showing or expressing emotions at work is still for many a tricky subject, there is a growing realisation that we should bring our whole unique selves to work. Emotions are key to how we think and react and they help to motivate us and feel a sense of connection. Masking how we feel can be exhausting and can lead to health problems. Workplaces that stifle emotions fail to leverage the human factor that can be so powerful.”

Images: Getty