Credit: Getty
7 min read
For too long, we’ve been taught to chase success in a way that’s leaving us burnt out and disillusioned. Is it time to change the way we define ambition?
Being ambitious is a good thing. A necessary thing for success. This is what I was taught throughout my childhood and education. Aim for the stars. Be the best. Push yourself towards greater and greater things. These mantras stuck with me through the early years of my career. It was this thought process that pushed me to apply for competitive trainee schemes, spurred me on to work longer and later hours, and kept me focused and driven even when I found myself in toxic environments.
In the last few years, I’ve started to question my relationship with ambition, and with it my own perception of my career – what I want out of it and how important it is within the context of my life as a whole.
What triggered this shift? It had something to do with Covid and something to do with experiencing a significant family loss. Maybe turning 30 and entering a new phase of maturity played a part. But at some point recently, my priorities started to point in a new direction. I began to reject the narrow understanding of ‘success’ I’d always held close. Rather than relentlessly climbing the career ladder with a blinkered focus on the next ‘Some news…’ announcement for Twitter and LinkedIn, my version of success began to feel much broader, much more holistic. It has been freeing. But it hasn’t been easy.
Redefining ambition is often a difficult thing to do for women, and it’s even harder for Black women. Many Black women are brought up being told we will have to work ‘twice as hard’ to achieve the same as our white peers. In education and in the workplace, Black women face an obstacle course of systemic barriers designed to prevent us from succeeding. A study in 2022 revealed that 48% of Black women have been criticised for behaviours that other colleagues get away with at work, with 42% of women of colour reporting being passed over for promotion despite good feedback (compared to 27% of white women).
Productivity is not the sum total of your worth
“Being a Black woman, career success is that much tougher. We have to thrive against microaggressions, being overlooked when opportunities arise and having our own internalised high expectations of ourselves,” says Tasha Bailey, author and psychotherapist. “We are also less likely to have access to role models and leaders who look like us or validate our experiences.”
Bailey, who is 34 and lives in London, used to work in a high-pressure retail management environment before retraining. Ambition was about getting to the best and highest-paid role that she could, in part for financial survival, but also to prove her worth.
“It was an endless journey of constantly moving my own goalposts,” she adds. ‘Once I received a promotion, I was eager for the next. Instead of celebrating my wins, I poured energy into the next challenge.”
Training for a new career meant going back to the beginning. Bailey was a novice again. It was uncomfortable at first, but then it helped her start to see a different way to be ambitious about work.
Credit: Getty
“I learned that growth could be the fun part, instead of the success-climbing,” she says. “I also began to learn about the role of constant stress and how it impacts us emotionally and physically. It was then that I realised my ambition at my job was putting me in a constant rhythm of stress, and it wasn’t fun anymore.”
Relentless pressure to succeed can have a significant psychological impact on Black women. Clinical psychologist Dr Roberta Babb says this pressure can manifest in our physical, social and mental wellbeing.
“From a psychological or emotional perspective, it can contribute to feelings of stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, imposter syndrome, perfectionism, burnout and relationship difficulties,” explains Dr Babb.
“It is important to note that while the pressure to succeed can be a motivating factor for some women, when it is combined with racism and discrimination or excessive and unrealistic expectations of self, and from others, it can lead to these harmful psychological consequences.”
For me, success is living by the sea
This is something Patricia Ezechie can relate to. After years of working herself to the bone in a corporate role, she burnt out and developed chronic fatigue. It took her six years to recover.
“I learned the hard way that nothing is worth your health and wellbeing, and certainly not working the hours I did to prove I was worthy of my role, salary and to be taken seriously,” Ezechie tells Stylist. “As it turned out, none of those things mattered. I didn’t like the person I had become; I was the unhealthiest and the most miserable I have ever been in my life. The greatest irony is that from the outside I was a success: I had a great job, a great title, a six-figure salary, but not the success I really wanted.”
A gruelling meeting with her boss proved to be Ezechie’s breaking point. She found herself driving home, crying so hard she could hardly breathe. It was a call to her mum that provided the lightbulb moment: she told Ezechie to simply leave. After she calmed down, Ezechie wrote her resignation letter on the spot.
“I used to feel that, as a Black woman, I had to do better and be better to be accepted. It was the narrative I ran in my head and the background soundtrack to everything I did. It was unhelpful and untrue,” she adds. “Ambition is not a dirty word; neither is success. The challenge is finding out and really understanding what they both mean to you, then figuring out what you need to do to achieve them.”
Now, Patricia is a career, resilience and wellbeing expert with her own consultancy. She left the city and now lives on the west coast of Scotland. “For me, success is living by the sea and being able to walk on the beach every day. It is working for myself, doing work I love in a way that supports my health and wellbeing.”
How to break the unhealthy ambition cycle
Far from hindering your progress, redefining your relationship with ambition is crucial for your long-term success – no matter what success looks like for you. It’s important to recognise when you might need to make a change.
“Warning signs are crucial communications and exacerbate feelings of dissatisfaction and unhappiness,” says Dr Babb. “They include persistent anxiety or stress, strong feelings of irritability, sadness or guilt, chronic exhaustion or burnout, neglected relationships and a strong sense of perfectionism, to name just a few.
“Remember that your ambitions should align with your values and contribute positively to your life and wellbeing. It is OK (and not a sign of failure) to re-evaluate and make changes when necessary. Stepping away from certain goals does not mean giving up on ambition altogether; it can be a conscious choice to redirect your energy toward pursuits that are more meaningful and fulfilling for you at this stage of your life.”
Dr Babb’s final point really speaks to me. I haven’t abandoned ambition. I’m just ambitious about my life in a different way – one that puts a lot less pressure on myself. I have dreams for my future life that are filled with the people I love. I have dreams of travelling to places I have never been, of creating work that is meaningful and sparks positive change. Now, I define ‘success’ as a weekend where I’ve seen lots of friends, booking a trip home to spend time with my mum or simply sleeping well and not feeling tired when my alarm goes off.
I think 14-year-old me would probably be quite disparaging of these achievements. But 34-year-old me has the wisdom to realise there is so much more to life than an endless, impossible struggle to be the best.
“You are more than what you provide,” adds Ezechie. “Your work and your productivity are not the full sum of your worth. There is so much more to you and your ambition. Hold firmly onto your work boundaries because the reality is that work won’t love you back. Practise nurturing the other ambitions and parts of your life, as they deserve your love and time too.”
Images: Getty
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