The Great British Bake Off 2019 is in full swing, and this week the bakers were smashing out their best biscuit recipes with the hope of impressing Paul Hollywood and Prue Leith. Stylist’s Helen Bownass shares her thoughts on the latest episode.  

1. It’s not starting well, I’ve just had a deeply unsatisfying dinner lacking in any texture and now it’s biscuit week in all its textured glory.

2. Is a cheese straw a biscuit? I hope so. Because I have always thought I could live without biscuits, but I do love a cheese straw.

3. Hang on: they have to make a chocolate biscuit bar. Now that’s a very different story. Do they mean like a Penguin? A Trio? A Taxi. Do they still exist?

4. “I look like a pre-pubescent American school boy” Henry’s tie belies a sharp sense of humour. Always pleasing.

5. They never used to do this many VTs of the contestants; I’m into it though.

6. Michael has good dimples. And his family play music together. My mum used to shut the door every time I played the piano so she didn’t have to hear it. 

7. I’m thrilled I now know that it’s possible to get a worn in your eye if you’re a horse.

8. Prirya has smashed it with her dress again this week.

9. David’s “we all like toasted nuts” is the sort of smut we enjoy on Bake Off.

10. I sometimes wish I was one of those people that said: “Just a couple of square of the darkest chocolate possible totally satiates me”. A lovely bar of Dairy Milk please, and we can talk…

11. Priya also has such a lovely sleek bob. 

12. “Get them in the freezer ASAP Rocky”. Stealing that phrase thanks Amelia.

13. Jamie I predict that you are done for.

14. They’re all so nice helping each other when they’re in need. If only the world was more like that. 

15. A “sloughy” wound. What does that mean? Is that a thing I don’t know because I’m old? What does it mean?

16. When did marshmallow become such a big thing? It’s the Masterchef equivalent of scallops.

17. “The flavor of being slightly stale” I know exactly what that tastes like Paul. 

18. The technical is a favourite of Paul Hollywood’s dad. Need to know what PH’s dad looks like.

19. I wonder what have I missed while discovering that Paul’s dad is called John and founded a bakery chain called Bread Winner.

20. The verdict is in: I have little desire to eat a fig roll.

21. I could definitely eat a sausage roll right now though. There should be a Deliveroo for bitesize pastry products. Trademarking that business idea.

22. Paul’s description of pastry as: tough, mottled, broken-up… makes it sound  like it’s had a really tough life.

23. Michelle and Michael break my heart a little bit when they hold hands.

24. I hereby predict that Alice is going to win this week. 

25. A chicken that survived a fox attack being described as ‘a strong independent woman’ is my Tuesday aesthetic.

26. Seeing someone take a tortoise for a walk is my worst fear, Phil. Please never allow that to happen again.

27. Michael crying: I can’t take this. Oh well done Priya for giving him a nice hug,

28. You’re right Phil, you don’t ever want to tread on a tortoise! That is why I’m terrified of them: whenever I see a tortoise all I can think about is what it would sound and feel like to tread on it. Anyway, biscuits….

29. David’s sculpture is amazing. It looks like those buildings in Singapore. Which reminds me I’d really like to watch Crazy Rich Asians again.

30. I think Prue saying it’s “one of the most interesting biscuits I’ve ever tasted” is a massive compliment. 

31. Why do the contestants stand so far away when they’re being judged in the showstopper? I don’t think I’d be able to hear anything.

32. I’m worried that chocolate spider is melting all over Noel’s hands and he’s going to have to secretly wipe it on his snazzy knit.

33. I was correct about Alice, and I am pretty smug.

34. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: ‘Jamie, you’ve lost, now let those tears out…’

35. I think I’d make my nearest and dearest audition to be my ‘I got star baker’ phone call’ to ensure maximum emotion. 

The Great British Bake Off is on Channel 4 on Tuesdays at 8pm

Images: Channel 4