Even when we know that we’re in the wrong, there’s no denying that apologising can be hard. It’s usually awkward, embarrassing and feels almost childlike to hold your hands up and admit that you did something wrong.

In life, we tend to encounter two kinds of people: those who never apologise and those who do it too often. Neither is better than the other. After all, wasn’t everyone told growing up that if we say sorry too often, it will lose its meaning? 

However, according to new research published in the Personality And Social Psychology Bulletin, there may be no such thing as apologising too much.

According to Karina Schumann, an associate professor at the University of Pittsburgh, despite associations with incompetence and weakness, people who apologise a lot are actually perceived as more warm and moral than those who say sorry more infrequently.

In the study, Schumann and her colleagues asked participants to categorise characters in a story as chronic (ie high baseline) or infrequent (ie low baseline) apologisers, and assess how any given apology one offers is perceived by the victim as genuine or heartfelt.

“We wondered whether people who receive an apology from a high baseline apologiser devalue that apology because they perceive it as a habitual behaviour for the apologiser rather than a genuine signal of remorse,” Schumann said of the research.

“We also wondered how apologies by low baseline apologisers are perceived: are they seen as extremely sincere and powerful because this person rarely apologises and therefore must really care to make things right in this situation? Perhaps their sincerity is doubted because the apologiser does not appear to be a genuinely apologetic person?”

But as well as being perceived as slightly less assertive and powerful, researchers found that frequent apologisers were more closely associated with feelings of being cared for, satisfaction with the apology and forgiveness. Maybe it’s not about the quantity of apologies so much as the quality. Indeed, according to Harvard Medical School, the best kind of ‘heartfelt’ apology takes responsibility, explains but does not excuse why the mistake happened, expresses remorse and caring and promises reparation. It avoids being vague, sounding grudging and thrusting the blame back onto the offended person

However, while the research makes for somewhat good news, we shouldn’t take these findings as a green light to keep over-apologising at work, in relationships and with friends – particularly as women. 

A 2010 study by the Candian University of Waterloo found not only do women tend to apologise more than men, but men apologise less frequently because they have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behaviour. 

So it seems that when it comes to apologies, it’s best to approach them like most things in life: with authenticity, sincerity and in moderation.

Images: Getty