If you’ve found yourself questioning the communication and intimacy in your relationship, you’re not alone. In fact, there’s an actual term for it – the “roommate phase” – whereby couples merely become cohabiting companions, as opposed to romantic partners.

“One of the things I see all the time when relationships break down is that people feel they were not connected to their partner, and that they didn’t really communicate,” accredited family mediator Louisa Whitney tells Stylist. “They might have talked about very basic household fundamentals, but they weren’t talking about their worries, their dreams or what lights them up.”

And it’s understandable for many of us to feel disconnected from our partner at times. After all, it’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of work, children, and general life.

“Relationships require work and a commitment to spend connected time together. This is true of friendships, and even more so of intimate relationships where it becomes easy to take the other for granted,” says UKCP psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer, co-founder of Brighton and Hove Psychotherapy.

“Research would suggest that couples who laugh, cry, dance and can be still tough and supportive fare well over the long term. A couple who make time (at least 45 minutes to an hour per week) to connect – which means to talk and to listen to each other – are essentially maintaining the bond with each other.”

“Many of the couples I see have found that intimacy slips away when they’re busy or tired, so having regular opportunities for intimacy, including sex, can help keep a relationship alive,” adds trauma, relationships, and psychosexual therapist Cate Campbell. 

This is where the 7-7-7 rule comes in, a “trend” making the rounds on social media recently, also referred to as the 1-1-1-1 method.

By 7-7-7 it means every seven days have a date night, every seven weeks have a night away and every seven months go on a romantic holiday.

Looking at it from the 1-1-1-1 viewpoint, this could mean one week’s holiday alone without children each year, one date night a week with no children, each spouse to initiate sexual intimacy once every week and one 30-minute block of no screen time to connect every single night.

“I’m not wild about all the affirmations and manifestations that go with traditional 7-7-7, but I do approve of planning couples activities,” adds Campbell. “Many couples think scheduling spoils spontaneity, but most don’t have time or energy to organise last-minute couple time, including sex, so I would always advocate ways to carve out time together.”

Another expert who agrees is Jessica Alderson, co-founder and relationship expert at SoSynced, a dating app that matches compatible personality types. “Setting time aside to invest in your relationship and prioritise your partner can help keep the spark alive and maintain a strong connection,” she tells Stylist.

However, if your initial thought was, “how can I possibly invest this much time and money into a practice?”, you’re not wrong. Every expert we spoke to about the subject agreed that the 7-7-7 method was great in principle, but not always possible, especially in a cost-of-living crisis, for families with children or couples who have busy and demanding jobs.

“Strict time frames may not work for everyone,” agrees Alderson. “There are broader considerations, such as financial and personal commitments, that play an essential role in figuring out what works for a couple.”

For example, going away for a night every seven weeks can be expensive, or you may be a couple that values time away with friends or family rather than a romantic holiday.

“Ultimately, the key is finding a balance that works for you as a couple and allows you to properly invest in your relationship,” Alderson adds.

So, how can you put the 7-7-7 method into practice, but in a more practical and achievable way? 

Date nights at home

If you can’t make it out every seven days, why not have a date night at home? This could simply be about putting phones away and having dinner together, watching a film or doing an activity.

Day trips

“If you can’t go away for a night every seven weeks, you can plan a day trip to explore a nearby town or take a scenic drive together,” suggest Alderson. “The main point here is that you spend an extended, uninterrupted period of time together without the distractions of daily life.”

‘Love dates’

“I really recommend ‘love dates’ at home without kids or phones,” says Nicola Foster, a relationship and intimacy therapist and coach. This is uninterrupted time to truly focus on one another in a private setting, it doesn’t have to mean sex. “This is a ring-fenced time to be with each other and see what happens – maybe it’s just cuddling, or a massage or sexy play. Or it could simply be about resting and talking in bed. It doesn’t matter what happens, it matters that you are prioritising each other.”

Create your own 7-7-7

Why not make your own rules? Your 7-7-7 could be completely different, whatever works for you as a couple. “You could have an intimate or sexual experience together every seven days, a date night indoors every seven weeks where the kids have a sleepover elsewhere, and every seven months try to manage an outside activity just the two of you,” suggests Campbell.  

Ultimately, what the 7-7-7 method boils down to is connection, and re-connecting with your other half when things get busy and overwhelming.

“Creating space to re-connect when things have been busy, overwhelming or particularly pressured goes a long way to keeping couples in touch with one another,” says Whitney. “Sometimes, with the hectic nature of life, diarising things is the only way to ensure it happens!”

“We associate intimacy as being around sex, but actually I think the ability to be vulnerable in a relationship and to feel safe to share worries and deep thoughts is actually far more important in creating the longevity of a relationship so having a system that creates space to do that, or to re-establish that if it’s been lost is crucial,” she adds.

If you do want to give the 7-7-7 method a whirl, remember it’s not all about expensive treats and spending more than you can afford – it’s about making the time together.

“The 7-7-7 method will only work if a couple use it to genuinely be curious about each other, listen to each other and connect (as well as have fun),” says Vahrmeyer. “It is not a silver bullet and we probably all know of couples who, when they spend time together, have nothing to say to each other because they both remain hidden from the other.”

Here’s a reminder to get our shared calendars in check…

Images: Getty