When I told my friends I was pregnant, among the congratulatory messages I was expecting, there was a response which surprised me. Half whispered, sometimes pitifully, ‘How do you feel about your partner seeing you poop yourself?’ I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind. Ever since a friend had recounted every aspect of her birth story – the earth-shattering contractions, the miraculous feeling of touching her baby’s head as it entered the world – it sounded powerful and goddess-like, something from a different world. Yet I remember being equally in awe of how casually she brushed over her husband dutifully sieving out excrement from the birthing pool. What a champ, I thought, while simultaneously wondering if all future mystery had been banished from their relationship forever.

Fast forward a few years, as I edge, or more accurately waddle, towards my eighth month of pregnancy, I can now laugh at the patriarchal conditioning making me think my partner sifting out shit in the final stages of labour would be the most exposed I’d be, the most vulnerable I’d feel, or that it even mattered. After a blissfully non-eventful first trimester, I was hit by a rollercoaster of a second. A hospital stay, eight-hour long waits in maternity A&E and invasive tests, I was left feeling anxious in a way I’d never experienced. And while it wasn’t a surprise that my partner was an amazing support throughout, it definitely threw us into uncharted territory. As a couple, our lives shifted from nothing much having changed since I’d become pregnant to a calendar cleared to accommodate sporadic hospital visits and all-consuming conversations centred around symptoms and worry and discharge.

For many of us, the journey to parenthood is a joint experience and I’ve no doubt that having a loving partner by my side has gotten me through so far. Yet a crucial nuance often overlooked is that just as diverse as the women who bring life into the world are, each perinatal experience is extremely unique. It’s one of the most transformational times of our lives, a shift in our identity both physically and psychologically. Our bodies are changing beyond recognition, our hormones in overdrive, our careers put on pause. Yes, a partner can empathise and support, but it’s hard for them to fully understand certain aspects to the same intensity. 

Meera, whose baby was born via IVF last year, says, “From the point we started trying, I’d know my period had come before my partner so it was my responsibility to share the news that we weren’t pregnant every month. And when it came to IVF, despite my partner being so supportive, ultimately, he couldn’t go through it for me – it was my body it was all happening to.” Psychotherapist Nova Cobban explains, “Pregnancy and motherhood can be a lonely time for many women, with a disconnect between what they’re experiencing and the person on the outside trying to understand. It can often leave a partner feeling helpless, which can create an empathy gap.” Nina, founder of Dope Black Mums, agrees. “I found breastfeeding glorious but at the same time it was extremely isolating, particularly in moments where your partner can’t provide instant support and the reliance is on you and your boobs.”

Very soon life will stop being just about us. We’ll lose sleep, spend more money than we used to, and be overly vigilant as to whether we washed the clothes in non-bio. And while there are enough factors to pressure test the happiest of couples, it’s important to recognise that it’s completely natural for dynamics with our partner to change. So often our definition of a healthy relationship is warped by the curated perfection we see on social media, but we need to remember that it’s about more than flourishing when it’s good, that’s the easy part; it’s about nourishing it when things get more complex too. For any of us, whether we have children or not, life is chaotic and unpredictable. There will still be date nights and dancing in the kitchen, but there will also be financial worries, health scares and ageing parents thrown into the mix. Different variations of shitting in a pool, but each transformational in their own right.

For me, the transformation has already begun. Each trimester has brought a different challenge to navigate, high to embrace or shift in perspective. It’s personal growth on acid where I can be several different people within the space of a day (FYI, I’m a two-sided Gemini too). I can’t see it stopping as I transition into motherhood, where I’m sure I’ll meet even more variations of myself, along with different aspects of my partner too. There’s an old Indian saying referenced in the book How To Have a Baby, describing the birth of two people when a baby arrives, mother and child, but author Natalie Meddings argues there’s really a third – the shift from a unit of two to a family of three. Nina reassures, “When your baby arrives, you take on two identities, a mother and a partner, as does your significant other in their new role.” In the same way we normalise personal growth, we need to embrace this change in relationships too, because like anything transformative, we adapt and evolve, usually into something deeper and more meaningful. “You continuously reassess the hierarchy of your love: for your child, for your partner, for yourself,” Nina adds. “When this differs from my partner, we work through where our values lie and meet together again.”

There’s something about pregnancy that breaks down any walls we’ve put up, sometimes unknowingly, to hide all the bits we were afraid of someone else seeing. And with that greater vulnerability comes a greater closeness too. As Jess who’s pregnant with her first child says, “It’s something born from both of us and in a way has cemented us together more than marriage.” I can’t speak on the marriage front but I can see that my love for my partner has reached a new depth and an even stronger connection as we transition together into the next phase. Besides, when it comes to it, I’m determined we’ll be as ready as we can be. For starters, I’ve already ordered a personalised sieve with Dave’s name on it.

*Some names have been changed

Images: Anita Ghosh; Stylist; Getty