Are you a working mum? Here are 6 ways to ask the people in your life for support

Keyboard with 'mum is working' written on one of the keys

Credit: Maltesers

Motherlovers Club


Are you a working mum? Here are 6 ways to ask the people in your life for support

By Amy Davidson

Updated 6 months ago

In partnership with Maltesers

Stylist/Maltesers

The myth of women ‘having it all’ tangling with the not-so-great expectation of nobly struggling in silence has created a support gap for working mums. Here’s how to bridge it…

Asking for help can be hard. Sometimes the very notion of reaching out for support can feel tricky as we always want to believe that we’re smashing life on a day-to-day basis. Throw something as important as a career and children into the mix and that sense of wanting to retain control and autonomy can intensify – however, it’s important to understand that there’s no shame in feeling overwhelmed.

In fact, in a White Paper commissioned by Maltesers® as part of its Let’s Lighten The Load® campaign, 43% of mums in the UK said that their family don’t, or only partly, understand their reality as a working mum. Pair that with 55% saying they need more help from employers and colleagues to be the working mum they want to be and the support deficit is clear.

So, to help bridge that gap and normalise asking for help, we asked six working mums who have successfully navigated that situation for their best advice…

1. Don’t settle for the first solution

The urge to feel like you have to ‘do it all’ to prove you’re a good mother is a sentiment shared by many working mums. But the reality? Putting that amount of pressure on yourself will probably lead to a breaking point.

“In the end my partner asked why I wasn’t ‘fun’ any more,” says Jamie, MS nurse specialist and mum of one five-year-old. “I gave him a list of all the things that I have to remember to do to get us through the day and he said to ‘just write me a list and tell me what you need me to do’.

“I lost it. This was exactly the issue. Why was I the default parent? Why did I have to plan every meal, every snack (which had to be homemade as our little one had allergies)? Why am I the only one that wakes in the night and why is it my responsibility to wake you if I want help?”

Instead of settling for the first solution, Jamie advises properly thrashing it out until you find one that’s realistic and actually works for your pain points.

“After a bit of a cry we looked at our household tasks, divided them into his jobs and my jobs, and looked at them each week. It made a huge difference and it meant my partner started to notice just how much I was doing as he took on more of my responsibilities.

“I would recommend having this conversation and dividing your labour before you hit breaking point, but also revisiting regularly to make sure it’s still working for you both.”


2. Be clear what you’re asking for

For Charmel, solicitor and mum of two daughters, aged one and two, it’s about having clear requests and applying them to all areas of life to create the best kind of stability.

“I spoke to my manager at work and asked for flexibility when it came to both the days I physically had to be in the office and my overall working hours,” she explains. “It was unrealistic for me to try and resume my job without adjustment and be the mum I wanted to be. It was putting too much pressure on myself.

“I thought about what I wanted the outcome of that conversation to be and went in there with clear asks and suggestions of how to make the situation work in a way that benefited both me and my work. That helped me feel empowered and prepared. It also meant my manager knew what I needed and could put things in place to accommodate that without having to second guess.

“In other areas of my life, I have started asking for more help from my partner’s mum, so we can have date nights. I also heavily rely on my best friend for support whenever she is available and it massively takes the pressure off.”


3. Think small

For Sonia, nursery school teacher and mum of a two-year-old, asking for help takes on a slightly different shape.

“I live with my partner’s elderly parents, who also require a fair bit of care,” she explains. “Living under the same roof 24/7 and taking on those responsibilities as well as working and raising a child can be really emotionally exhausting. I’ve found that the small things really stack up and can become overwhelming, so that’s what I now focus on when I’m asking for support. 

“Whether it’s my partner taking on dinner duties for the week while I take the lead on my parents-in-law, or asking my sister to pick up a prescription for me so I don’t have to worry about co-ordinating leaving the house with care responsibilities, it’s the small, practical things that make a big difference.”


4. Talk to your friends

Before ‘live laugh love’ there was ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. We might not be embroidering it on our cushions, but there is truth in the old adage. Especially when it comes to sounding out whether you’re really that terrible of a mum for checking your email during storytime.

“Talking to a close friend instantly lightens the mental load for me and without fail we find that we’re both feeling the same pressures and frustrations,” says Helen, company director and mum of an eight-year-old son and five-year-old daughter.

It’s common to hold back from sharing our stresses when it comes to motherhood, either because of a fear of judgment or the worry that we’re taking up too much of someone else’s time, but it’s worth remembering that these people love you. In all likelihood they will welcome the chance to ease your burden.

Be bold and talk to someone who’s likely to really get it and the mental health benefits can be considerable.


5. Put it on paper

There’s something about trying to retain your cascading to-do list in your head that makes it infinitely more stressful. For entrepreneur Tamaryn, mum of two daughters aged four and seven, getting it out of her mental space and down onto paper has been a game changer when it comes to asking for support.

“When asking your partner for support, it’s helpful to write down a list of all the things that each of you do, so you can compare and distribute the daily tasks more evenly,” she explains.

“Don’t fall into the trap of breaking things down over the week. You need granular detail, as it’s the small day-to-day chores that need to be evened out.”


6. Be kind to yourself

In between thriving at work, being a good mum and dealing with whatever else the world decides to throw at you, showing yourself some compassion can feel low down on the list of priorities. It can end up being more of a push notification from that meditation app you downloaded in January than an actual reality. But for Ella, marketing manager and mum of a four-year-old son, it’s not only important but necessary.

“I used to be the worst person at asking for help and the best person at dropping everything to help others. As a single mum, it was unsustainable. It was only when my counsellor asked me what I do for myself that I realised the answer was nothing and it was making me miserable. I’d let myself get tossed between work, housework, childcare and anything else that was thrown my way without considering that I didn’t have to do it all on my own.

“Instead of beating myself up I started to be kinder to myself. If an important meeting clashed with pick-up time, I’d ask my mum if she could help out without feeling wracked with guilt. Equally, if a work request landed in my lap after hours and I was with my son, I’d tell myself it could wait in order to be more present and enjoy those moments.

“It’s not easy and I’m definitely on a learning curve, but being kind to yourself is the first step in levelling up your support network.”


Maltesers, in partnership with Comic Relief, is working towards a future where women no longer face injustice. Together, we’re working to lighten the load for working mums and help women thrive. For links to additional support and to find out more about what Maltesers are doing to ease the load click here

Mars Wrigley is donating £500,000 in 2024 to Comic Relief, operating name of Charity Projects, registered charity in England & Wales (326568) and Scotland (SC039730).

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