All good things must come to an end, so the saying goes. We’re used to endings, and they can range from the huge to the relatively insignificant. Whether it’s the changing of seasons, a new job, leaving home or even just watching the last episode of a favourite show or finishing a much-loved book, endings aren’t easy, and many of us really struggle to say goodbye to certain chapters of our lives, either good or not so good.

While some people seem to be more level-headed in their approach to life’s inevitable transitions, many of us find them notoriously tricky to navigate. But there’s no escaping them, so it’s sensible to look at ways to make them less painful. 

Here’s what we’ve learned. 

Given their common nature, what is it about endings that some of us find so hard? It’s complicated, says psychotherapist Roxy Rhodes. 

“Even when we know an ending is coming, like the end of a job, or moving home, we’re rarely prepared for it,” she explains. “We tend to we exist in our own time bubble, where certain events and times are built up to represent a significant turning point, and so carries a heightened expectation of things being different after – and then if, or when, they’re not, our emotions can become overwhelming. We can feel a whole range of things, from disappointment and regret to confusion and resentment.”

Lack of control

If you like to feel in control, you’re likely to find endings especially tricky.

“We like to be in control, and we thrive on consistency and predictability,” explains Dr Kate Mason clinical psychologist and founder of Roots Psychology Group. “Familiarity provides the safety and security we need to cope with any changes. But some endings are simply not within our control; the loss of a loved one, for example, or your partner ending your relationship. These situations will be fraught with feelings of loss and grief which are difficult to process.”

Childhood endings

The experts agree that much of how we deal with endings stems from our childhood. “Our childhood experiences of endings pave the way for how we cope in adult life,” says Dr Mason. “How our parents might have coped with endings themselves or supported us as children, will create a blueprint for how we deal with them in the future, and may remain with us.

“Tiny brains process events very differently to fully mature adults, so a child may have a completely different experience of, say, divorce, bereavement or moving house. If these events are handled in a nurturing, validating way, it sets us up to develop resilience and a positive mindset around endings.”

Uncertainty and fear of the unknown

If there’s one thing that humans aren’t great with, it’s uncertainty. “Endings mark the beginning of something new and unfamiliar which can induce stress and anxiety,” says psychotherapist and anxiety expert Kamalyn Kaur. “You’re also likely to feel a sense of uncertainty about the future and feel unsure about how the future is going to play out. This can be scary and nerve-racking for many of us.”

Regret and mistakes

“Reflecting on the past during an ending phase can lead to regrets and about ruminations over mistakes,” says Kaur. “This makes it more difficult to accept an ending, as we’re deep in the difficult feelings of guilt or self-blame. We can feel stuck and unable to move forwards, especially if we haven’t achieved our goals.”

The simple fact is that while focusing on the excitement of a new beginning is all well and good, we’re not taught how to deal with endings. But there are ways we can ease ourselves through transitional times.

Try to reframe them

Rhodes recommends trying to reframe endings as far as possible. “Lots of endings are happy – we just don’t tend to focus on them,” she says. “For example, the end of a bad relationship might be the best thing you ever do, but instead, you focus on the idea of being single again, which feels scary.”

Look for the positive – you might be surprised at what you find. And over time, the practice of positive thinking will have a cumulative benefit.

“Identifying negative thinking and actively reframing it into something more positive (trying to see an end as a new beginning) will, over time, rewire your brain to think more positively naturally,” advises Dr Mason. 

Develop resilience

Resilience is such an important life skill, and it’s vital for developing a good mindset around endings. Accepting that we’re going to have to face endings – both positive and negative – will allow us to develop a more positive association with endings – and a resilience to the anxiety that they can trigger.

Be kind to yourself

But above all else, be kind to yourself.

If you’re finding the end of a chapter tough, you’re not alone – so try not to berate yourself. It’s natural to want to push past an ending as quickly as possible in an effort to minimise the discomfort and move on to more positive feelings.

“If you know you’re the sort of person who struggles with endings, acknowledge it, and don’t be too hard on yourself,” says Dr Mason. “Try writing down how you feel, which will help you to identify any negative thoughts around the ending. Then, once you’ve processed it, you can look back over those feelings and reflect on them for next time.”

Images: Getty