Last September, I became a carer for my mum. Previously, she had been a fit and healthy woman, but in 2023, she was diagnosed with myeloma, a rare and incurable form of blood cancer.

I knew once my mum started treatment it would change her, and it did – massively. My mum and I did the London Marathon in April last year, and five months later she was having chemo. Cancer turned her life upside down: when the GP told us that treatment was available that could help her lead a normal life – albeit without providing a cure – what they didn’t tell us was that we’d have to adjust to a new normal.

Five years ago, I changed career to become a journalist. My mum told me to “pursue my dreams”, but when she became ill, I had to step up, and I made the huge decision to give up my job. This left me devastated and scared; I was still trying to make it in the industry, and I knew that if I wanted to return to my career, I’d have to start all over again. 

However, I also know that I won’t regret the time spent caring for my mum, and I will regret it if I don’t. My mum is my best friend – we travelled together and she got me into open water swimming and running. She made me the person I am today, yet I sometimes have scary thoughts about the future: how will I cope without her when she is such a huge part of my life? 

Mentally and physically, being her carer has taken a huge toll on my health. I wake up feeling lost and find it hard to smile, laugh and be happy. I feel a sadness knowing I don’t know how long I’ll have with my mum, and I want to make the most of doing everything I can with her, but with her ups and downs, it’s not as easy to make plans as it was before. Each day I go with the flow depending on how she’s feeling. I can’t plan anything for myself in case I have to cancel, and I don’t think everyone understands my situation, so I try to distance myself from people I don’t want to be around, which is common for people undertaking unpaid care for a loved one. “Many carers feel the weight of the responsibilities they shoulder looking after someone who is elderly, disabled or ill,” explains Emily Holzhausen CBE, director of policy and public affairs at Carers UK. “Often, they are exhausted and unable to take a break. Carers tell us that they feel stressed, anxious, lonely and are unable to dedicate the time they need for their own health and wellbeing due to the pressures of their caring role.”

As a sole carer, I have no one to lean on. I’m the one who takes my mum to all her appointments. I also manage the house, finances and everything else, as my elderly father finds this too difficult. Although it may sound shocking to have to give up my career and dedicate my life to caring for my mum, I’m far from alone. The most recent census puts the estimated number of unpaid carers at 5 million in England and Wales. This, together with ONS census data for Scotland and Northern Ireland, suggests that the number of unpaid carers across the UK is 5.7 million.

As a single woman in her 40s, I’m also struck by how alone I feel in all of this. My friends are married and have kids, and I want to meet someone and have a family. But I often wonder if I’ll end up alone and, if I fall sick, who will care for me? It feels lonely and isolating – I’ve always been an upbeat and positive person, but this has changed me. I feel stuck. I have dreams and ambitions, but I am not free to pursue them. I can’t travel or socialise as freely as I want to due to my commitments to my mum.

I want people to know about the mental health toll that unpaid carers, like me, are facing every day. “Caring can come at a high personal cost,” explains Holzhausen. “There has been a distinct increase in the number of people providing substantial care above 20 hours per week, which has a huge impact on carers’ health, wellbeing and ability to juggle work and care.”

While there are many challenges, I know I’ll look back on caring with no regrets. While my mum needs me, I’ll dedicate my time to making sure her life is free from pain and ensure she feels love around her every day. Caring is a demanding role that can leave you feeling resentful and even angry some days, but I go to bed every night knowing I’ve made the right decision. 

Images: Minreet Kaur