If you’ve read the thinkpieces, you’ll know that many believe the way we talk about our feelings has become a problem. If a decade ago we struggled to open up to even our closest friends, let alone strangers on the internet, now we can’t seem to stop analysing and sharing our innermost thoughts.

As we’ve embraced vulnerability, imperfection and self-assessment like never before, we’ve collectively ushered in an era defined by therapy speak. Phrases like ‘boundaries’, ‘triggered’ and ‘trauma’ are now peppered into our daily conversations with ease.

However, critics say it’s making us selfish and paranoid. They warn we’re removed from reality, lack resilience and call anything and everything that simply displeases us ‘toxic’. But while a wider acceptance of all the factors that can impact our mental health is welcome, it is often the case that with greater awareness comes misunderstanding and misinterpretation. 

Labelling your boss a narcissist (when they’re probably just a dick) at the pub after a few drinks is relatively low stakes and likely just a way to vent your frustration in a safe space. But there’s a very real danger that by being so casual about how we ‘diagnose’ ourselves and others, we underestimate just how harmful these supposed buzzwords can be when we’re actually faced with them.

Take one of the most recent terms to enter the fray: trauma bonding.  While it may sound like what you felt after finally ending that on-again-off-again relationship with your university boyfriend or surviving a painful friendship breakup, it’s certainly a lot more severe. 

“We use the term trauma bond to describe someone who has an unhealthy attachment to a person that causes them harm,” Dr Sarah Woodhouse, a trauma specialist, tells Stylist.

“This dysfunctional type of attachment tends to occur in relationships that somehow involve fear, shame, danger or exploitation. We sense we’re unsafe somehow and that love will be withdrawn, so we adapt and change as a way to survive and stay within the relationship.”

Of course, it can occur in a number of situations, be they romantic or platonic. According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, signs of trauma bonding include trusting people again and again who have proven to be unreliable, remaining loyal to people who have betrayed you and wanting to be understood by those who clearly do not care.

But while “being unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships” is broad enough that just about anyone may be able to identify with it on some level, trauma bonding is not simply a by-product of weathering a relationship’s inevitable storms. “Most often the relationship is very inconsistent – there are periods of intense, giddy love followed by periods of dramatic, painful conflict,” admits Dr Woodhouse. “However, people experiencing this kind of trauma bond often mistake it for love and support.”

In these instances, low self-esteem and self-worth are at play, often instigated by the toxic partner themselves. Those who experience this kind of painful relationship bond tend to believe they don’t deserve any better. However, as this wounded part of them learns what true support and care look and feel like, they begin to heal and can make different choices for themselves.

As Dr Woodhouse stresses: “If you realise you’re experiencing this kind of bond, it’s important that you get help and support. Realising we’ve developed this kind of adaptation is nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s also a sign that we’re in an unhealthy, cyclical relationship that should not be repeated.”

Trauma bonding goes so much deeper than staying with someone that doesn’t treat you well. It’s consistently and detrimentally being preoccupied with your partner, the relationship and getting it ‘right’ and prioritising your partner over everything else in your life to an unhealthy extent. But these bonds are possible to break.

“Step one is always focusing on ourselves,” Dr Woodhouse advises. “ Find a good psychologist, psychotherapist or coach that has plenty of experience in this area. With the right support you can learn to change how you’re showing up in the relationship, which will change the dynamic.

However, for things to change fundamentally in the relationship, she insists that your partner also needs to do their work.

“You cannot control whether this happens. They either will or will not be willing to change and learn how to love,” she adds. “I know that right now this sounds terrifying, and it is. But we all deserve to experience true love, support, affection, care and acceptance.”

In the UK, the domestic violence helpline is 0808 2000 247. Alternatively, contact Women’s Aid, Solace or Refuge for advice and support. 

Images: Getty