Apologies in advance for bringing down the mood, but here’s a simple fact: if there’s one part of life that’s an absolute certainty, it’s death. 

Each of us will die one day, and before that, we’ll experience the death of someone we know. Everyone will have their lives touched by death, and thus by grief. And yet, despite this being a universal, frequent thing, we’re seriously rubbish at talking about grief. 

When we’re confronted with grief, we stumble over what to say, feel at a loss for how to help and generally descend into unbearably British awkwardness. It’s understandable – death is an uncomfortable thing to think about. But our inability to discuss it openly and honestly can make those going through grief feel utterly alone. 

That’s why it’s so vital we move past our awkwardness and get talking, says Lianna Champ, a grief and funeral care specialist and the author of How To Grieve Like A Champ. 

“Grief is still a taboo subject for many of us and now more than ever, we should be able to openly talk about our feelings and the things that have affected or are affecting our lives,” Champ tells Stylist. 

We need to not only get better at talking about grief with people going through it, but also at expressing our own grief. And it’s important to note that this isn’t an emotional experience that only happens when death does. 

“Most of us are impacted by grief on a daily basis,” Champ explains. “We don’t grieve just because someone has died. There are so many other life events that cause us to grieve: loss of health, pet loss, redundancy, falling out with a friend, breakdown of a romantic relationship, divorce, loss of safety – to name just a few.”

When we can’t talk about grief, it eats away at us and can come up in unexpected ways. “If we can’t or are unable to share our grief reactions as and when we experience them, we can store unresolved grief until something happens,” Champ notes. “We may find ourselves overreacting to a relatively small event and leave ourselves and those around us wondering what just happened.”

The simple act of talking – of verbalising what’s going on in the midst of grief – can help us start to process our emotions. 

“When we are happy or receive good news, we want to share it with those in our lives, and even those who aren’t in our lives can get splashed by our excitement,” says Champ. “When we receive sad or bad news, it should be exactly the same: both emotions need equal expression. Verbalising and sharing our feelings about grief with honesty helps us to process our emotions in the present moment and connects us to what is going on in and around us. 

“If we ignore any form of sadness, grief, depression or anxiety, it can have a negative impact on our physical and mental wellbeing as well as our capacity for happiness. Therefore, there is much value to us if we can talk about and share our grief.”

And here’s the thing – when you talk about grief, you don’t just help yourself, but everyone else too. 

“By talking openly, we open the door for others to share their grief too,” Champ tells us. “This creates a cleansing and enables us to move forward.”

OK, so we know we need to get better at talking about grief. But that might take some time. What can we do to help our grieving friends while we figure it out? 

Don’t avoid mentioning the person who died

We’ve been there. You’re so scared of upsetting your mate that you try to skirt around the difficult topic entirely, pretending as though everything’s fine. That’s not the best approach. 

“Don’t avoid mentioning the name of the person who has died in case it causes upset,” Champ explains. “It doesn’t. Even though there may be tears, that’s OK. Mentioning their name triggers memories, and when we lose ourselves in memory, we often find laughter. Sharing memories is where healing begins. It shows you care and shows how important that person was and still is.”

Now’s not the time for problem-solving 

Just be there to listen. 

Champ says: “Don’t try to ‘fix’ them when they have a wobble. Don’t say, ‘I know how you feel’ – you don’t. Also, never start a sentence with, ‘At least…’ Just be there in body, mind and spirit.”

Create a secret code

This is a great little tip that can make a big difference. “Create a secret code so that when they need to ‘escape’ from a situation, you know the signal,” Champ suggests. 

You could also create codes for when your friend wants to vent, when they want to do something light and fun or for whatever scenario might come up. Think of it as a twist on Kate Lucey’s emoji trick. 

Give them space to express their emotions

“If they cry, don’t try to change how they are feeling,” Champ says. “Grief needs expression, just as happiness does. We have to experience our grief, talk about it and share it to help reduce the weight of it. Grievers don’t need to be agreed with or understood. They just need you to listen and accept their words without analysing or justifying them. 

“When a griever is talking about how their loss has made them feel, they are making a statement. Allow for little silences in the conversation.”

Be patient

There aren’t deadlines and easy endpoints when it comes to grief. Give your loved one time to heal. 

“Don’t expect miracles,” says Champ. “It takes time to adjust to loss.”

Lianna Champ has over 40 years’ experience as a grief and funeral care specialist and is author of the practical guide How To Grieve Like A Champ.

Images: Getty; Unsplash