Content note: this article contains references to loss and suicidal thoughts that readers may find upsetting.

I have always been a positive, happy person, so I think it would shock many people to hear that I’ve called Samaritans.

I made the call seven years ago after my grandad passed away. His loss started me down a dark path that I didn’t quite realise I was on at the time. I began sleeping a lot – I’d drive down the road and have to have a sleep afterwards because I was so exhausted. I started having suicidal thoughts, and ended up calling Samaritans.

It helped me so much to talk to someone who wasn’t a family member or friend. I had been afraid to tell anyone I knew that I was feeling suicidal, as I was worried it would panic them. That stopped me sharing how I was feeling with anyone close to me, but to have that safe space to share with Samaritans was invaluable.

I never told anybody about that call; I kept it to myself for a long time. It wasn’t until my friend Jess took her own life in 2020 that everything changed. My grandad’s passing carried its own heartache and sorrow, but I could somewhat justify it by acknowledging that he had lived a full life, reached a ripe age and left me with lasting memories. However, at Jess’s funeral, a different kind of sorrow overwhelmed me, a profound sadness I couldn’t fully comprehend. I felt compelled to do something. 

Inspired by a mental health initiative, I began a challenge named ‘Mental Elf’. For the entire month of December, I wore an elf costume to encourage conversations, raise funds and break down barriers surrounding the stigma of mental health. I wore the costume around the clock – at work, in the supermarket, even while riding my horse. After just one week, the impact was undeniable. People were engaging in meaningful conversations, and I found myself opening up about my own struggles. It was in those moments of vulnerability that I discovered the power of openness and community.

Once I’d finished the campaign, I wondered what more could I do. After seeing an advert online seeking volunteers for Samaritans, I felt in a position where I was comfortable with my own mental health and comfortable talking about it, and that maybe I could help someone else. I kept thinking of my friend Jess, and what might have happened if she called Samaritans, if I had been on the other end of the phone and listened to her. It was something I wanted to do.

I’ve now been a Samaritans volunteer for three years and have recently started working for mental health and wellbeing platform called JAAQ. If you had told me seven years ago that I would be in this position, I wouldn’t have believed you. I’m so incredibly proud to be able to make a difference every day.

But in perhaps the most shocking twist – at least for me – I’ll be lacing up my rainbow running shoes and reviving the ‘mental elf’ for the London Marathon on 21 April to raise money for Samaritans.

Running a marathon is undoubtedly a big deal for anyone who does it, but for me it will feel like even more of a massive achievement. Just 18 months ago, I was diagnosed with inflammation of the spinal cord. The uncertainty, the tears and the fears about my health’s trajectory weighed heavily on my mind, leaving me with a daily battle against health anxiety.

When I left hospital I was unable to walk or ride my bike – I lost my independence. I wasn’t even able to ride my horse in the last few months she was here, which was a tough pill to swallow. I spent a lot of time sitting around and worrying about what would happen next. Every step forward felt like a monumental victory. With each setback I found it hard to pick myself back up again, but somehow, I did. After multiple brain and spinal MRI scans, I was given a mostly clear bill of health from the neurologist in November.

Now as I prepare to tackle my first marathon, I’m driven by a deep sense of purpose. I’m so proud to be running for Samaritans, the charity partner for this year’s London Marathon, and help to raise awareness of the life-saving service. If there’s anything I’ve learned during my journey it’s that you honestly don’t know who might need support from Samaritans – it could be a friend, family member or a colleague. 

For me, running the marathon isn’t just about crossing the finish line; it’s about rallying together to break down the barriers surrounding mental health and shine a light on the importance of seeking support in times of need. I’ve witnessed first hand the profound impact a supportive ear can have on someone. It’s life-changing.

Importantly, I am not a runner. Training has been hard, and yes, I have often cried. One thing that I have been doing is channelling my beloved horse Norma during the moments when I’m struggling and almost see running as a time to think about her. I will also think of everyone that has supported me. This will definitely be at the forefront of my mind, and I know that will keep me going. I will also be thinking about my friend Jess and how she will never run a marathon. I’m certain she would have done if she were still here. I’d like to keep her memory alive. 

My journey from seeking help to the start of the marathon has been transformational. My ‘mental elf’ costume was a huge part of this journey and has become a part of my identity. I can’t wait to wear it on marathon day and raise awareness for this incredible cause. If it starts just one conversation, then it will all have been worthwhile.

Samaritans is Charity of the Year for the 2024 TCS London Marathon. To get involved and show you believe in tomorrow, visit samaritans.org/tomorrow or to make a donation to Roxy’s fundraising page, visit Samaritans: 2024 TCS London Marathon Registrations (enthuse.com). If you need mental health support, you can call Samaritans on 116 123.

Frame Of Mind is Stylist’s home for all things mental health and the mind. From expert advice on the small changes you can make to improve your wellbeing to first-person essays and features on topics ranging from autism to antidepressants, we’ll be exploring mental health in all its forms. You can check out the series home page to get started.

Images: Yoni Cohen; Roxy McCarthy