Having doubts about a relationship is perfectly normal. However, for some, it can become a symptom of relationship OCD (ROCD), a little-known manifestation of obsessive compulsive disorder. 

That was the case for me. Hours of pros and cons lists, seeking constant reassurance from friends and family and obsessively reading therapy forums and Reddit posts; I engaged in all this as I tried to figure out if my relationship was right for me. Is this person intelligent enough for me? Am I even attracted to them? Do I really like them as I should?

My doubts started creeping in soon after I entered my last relationship. It began as a singular thought: “What if he’s not right for me?” This quickly snowballed into all-consuming, persistent, intrusive thoughts about the ‘rightness’ of my relationship. I was 17 when I was first diagnosed with OCD, a mental health condition characterised by uncontrollable recurring thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviours (compulsions), but it took me a long time to realise that my relationship worries were in fact a symptom of ROCD.

ROCD is a specific subtype of OCD involving obsessions and compulsions around a relationship or partner. The way this looks is different for everyone, but for me, it fixated on my romantic partner, making me doubt my compatibility, feelings and attractiveness towards them. 

I spoke to Alegra Kastens, a New York-based therapist and OCD activist who has also been diagnosed with OCD. She shared that one of the biggest misconceptions of ROCD is that experiencing it means the partnership is automatically wrong: “Relationship OCD can be experienced within healthy, loving relationships; it is a myth that it means your partner must be bad for you,” she tells Stylist.

It is also essential to understand ROCD as something distinct from relationship anxiety – even if the two terms are sometimes used interchangeably, they are two unique things. Kastens says: “With OCD, there is always the presence of obsessions, compulsions, and obsessional doubt, and you can also have relationship anxiety without OCD.”

In retrospect, I had experienced ROCD for years, and in every relationship I had been in. I had previously concluded that I simply hadn’t found the right ‘one’ – though the myth of the ‘one’ is often a toxic societal belief that can worsen symptoms. With love and attraction being so intangible, no matter how often I tried to rationalise my way out of the thoughts, I ended up at the same place in each relationship, where no amount of reassurance or googling would provide me with the relief I sought. This miserable, repeated pattern of doubt in romantic relationships made me realise it was more than just the average relationship wobbles.

I had tried every method I could consider to help me crawl out of the thought vortexes I consistently found myself in. At its worst, I spent hours on personality tests and Reddit threads, desperately hoping that, eventually, a blog post might confirm if my partner and I were right together. Inevitably, it created serious rifts in our relationship, as he struggled to understand what was happening and how to help. 

I often wrote long lists of pros and cons, trying to wrongly use logic to intellectualise myself out of the conflict in my head. OCD is classified as an anxiety disorder, and as such, the physical bouts of anxiety that would engulf me left me, at times, feeling hopeless and exhausted.

Compulsions can become insidious – turning what should have been relaxing nights together with my partner into inner turmoil as I used the time to compulsively assess how I felt when with him. I felt panic rising if anything seemed to confirm my worries that I was not attracted to him. I constantly felt like I was being put on trial, interrogated by my head – an utterly exhausting experience. Kastens calls this an example of obsessional doubt, a key symptom of OCD, saying: “This means distrusting reality while over-relying on possibility and irrelevant information. It differs from reasonable doubt in which available information substantiates a possibility.”

These invisible compulsions are extremely common, although most mainstream coverage of OCD tends to depict only physical compulsions that often accompany contamination OCD. 

There is no ‘cure’ for ROCD, but it can get better and more manageable with the proper treatment and approach. “Although the absence of a ‘cure’ can leave people feeling hopeless, living with OCD does not automatically mean that the rest of your life will be one of misery and struggle,” says Kastens. “ERP is the most evidence-based treatment for OCD, but other evidence-based treatments like Inference-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy exist.”

Seeking treatment for OCD can be terrifying, and I felt so much shame about the extent of my OCD. A central tenet of managing OCD is learning to cope with the certainty of uncertainty – a fear that sits at the very core of many sufferers’ lives.

As my ROCD symptoms subsided, I could see my relationship with more clarity. The diminishing obtrusive compulsions and thoughts led to a conclusion I was not expecting – it transpired that the relationship was not, after all, ‘right’ for many reasons. But, what would have previously felt like a life-shattering conclusion, now felt more bearable.

I could make the decision less clouded by extreme doubts and anxiety. Although, like most breakups, it was still shrouded in pain, anguish, reasonable doubt and occasional regret over the decision, I knew it was the right choice. 

Kastens also has words of hope for those suffering and encourages finding the right therapist with a deep understanding of OCD, and a community to help with feelings of isolation: “I will never forget the first time I met someone with OCD. Sharing a space with someone who understood my brain was so meaningful. It may be hard to find hope right now, but recovery is possible.”

Learning, reading and engaging in understanding what OCD is and how it works was a transformative experience for me. I am unsure if when I find myself in a romantic relationship again, ROCD will flare. However, I am more confident that I have the tools to manage the symptoms if it does.

If you are living with OCD, or suspect you may have OCD, please remember that you are not alone. OCD is treatable and you can learn to manage it. Visit your GP or OCD Action for more information. You can also find local therapists on Counselling Directory. 

Frame Of Mind is Stylist’s home for all things mental health and the mind. From expert advice on the small changes you can make to improve your wellbeing to first-person essays and features on topics ranging from autism to antidepressants, we’ll be exploring mental health in all its forms. You can check out the series home page to get started.

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