Many of us long for a picture-perfect Christmas and work hard to fulfil this dream. So when the reality is a repeat of the same stresses and tensions every time the family get together, it hits us hard. Family can press our buttons, even at the best of times. Throw in the sensory overload and heightened expectations of the festive period and the stress multiplies tenfold.

As a clinical psychologist who has spent countless post-festive therapy sessions unpacking stressful scenarios, I’ve learned the key to creating a magical Christmas doesn’t lie in Instagrammable decorations or Pinterest-perfect platters – the areas we tend to focus on when it comes to Christmas preparations – it lies in time spent considering and planning for the psychological needs of friends, family and yourself.

Here are eight practical ways you can do this for your own social gathering this year.

Whether your group includes neurodivergent members, anxious people (who dislike uncertainty) or just those who feel more at ease knowing what to expect, a clear schedule can offer a lot of relief.

Share a rough idea of timings ahead of the day – when the meal will be served, when gifts will be exchanged, and when there will be time to play games or take walks. This isn’t about rigidity. Setting expectations enables guests mentally prepare and feel more at ease.

Christmas is brimming with sensory stimuli – music, chatter, bright lights, overzealous aunties and so on. For some, especially those who are more introverted or prone to sensory overload, this level of stimuli can lead to overwhelm and agitation.

Designate a quiet space in your home where guests (and you!) can retreat for a breather if needed. Perhaps a bedroom can be prepared in advance to look cosy, with soft lighting, a comfortable chair and a magazine or two. Show people this room when they arrive and clearly invite them to use it throughout the event so they don’t feel shy about doing so.

In a similar vein, some might prefer to step outside for fresh air. Leave the back door unlocked with a DIY poster attached saying ‘fresh air available through here’, making people feel able to do this without appearing rude.

Gift exchanges are a highly anticipated part of Christmas but can also be a source of stress, especially for children anxious to look pleased or their parents worried about how they’ll respond. Kids might feel embarrassed opening presents in front of others or unsure of what to say. Help them feel prepared by reminding them how to politely accept a gift ahead of time by offering them a simple sentence so they know what to say: “Thank you, I can’t wait to play with it/wear it”.

At the same time, if you know you have kids who struggle with this more than others then let go of the expectation that they should do this and simply do it for them. For example: “This is a great gift, thank you, I know he’s going to get many hours of fun from this”. This is good modelling and with time might be something they find easier to do. 

For grown-ups, acknowledging the awkwardness of gift opening can help to take the air out of any tension. If you’re someone who struggles to convey how much you appreciate a present in the moment, it’s OK to say that up front: ‘whenever I say thank you it sounds sarcastic, but please know I really appreciate this!’.

Overpacked schedules can lead to stress, while a lack of structure might cause boredom. Strike a balance by planning a mix of group activities and free time. Stay flexible though, let everyone feel they can participate at their own comfort level without feeling pressured.

I like to have a few ‘fiddly’ things out that people can do in their leisure. In our household, a 500-piece Christmas puzzle tends to be popular. I leave this out on the breakfast bar and people pop a few pieces into it as they’re sat chatting to the ‘chef’ (my hubby as he peels the roasties). When my mum hosts, she leaves Christmas brainteasers or word quizzes out for guests to enjoy if they wish. Remember your responsibility is only to have options on offer and invitations to participate; it is your guest’s responsibility to decide how much they participate, so don’t start to worry about them if they choose not to engage.

Food is fundamental to Christmas, but dietary needs or preferences can easily cause tension both before and during the meal.

Prior to the big day, ask your guests for an update on their allergies, intolerances or preferences. This might feel unnecessary if you’ve known them a long time, but it’s not uncommon for people to change their diets or have new issues with health that you might not be aware of. Share the menu in advance so everyone knows what to expect and consider providing a few simple options to accommodate those who might dislike something or whose diets are restricted. This pre-planning avoids unnecessary awkwardness and reduces irritation on the part of the chef on the day, plus most essentially it ensures everyone feels included.

All families have old patterns and dynamics to navigate and Christmas gatherings can make it hard to escape certain strong personalities, differing opinions or unresolved tensions. To manage difficult interactions, set boundaries in advance. You can do this either by preparing yourself mentally and deciding what you will or won’t accept, or by communicating with others. For example, you could consider in advance how much time you feel you can manage to spend with certain tricky family members before you get irritable and then agree with your partner on a set of excuses to elegantly leave the conversation.

If someone makes a hurtful comment, the most effective course of action at an occasion like this is usually to defuse the situation rather than choose this moment for a heated discussion. Take a few slow rhythmic breaths to activate the vagal brake (the calming response of our nervous system) and practise rolling out a measured response like, “Let’s save that conversation for another time”. If conflicts arise between guests, gently redirect the focus to a shared activity or topic and perhaps invite people to make the most of the quiet space you’ve set up. 

It’s tempting to make the house look cosy with a fire roaring, but this, along with ovens baking and extra bodies in the house, can mean that temperatures rise. The problem is that humans get irritable when we are hot. Keep windows open and maybe suggest to close family members that they wear layers to help them manage their own body temperature. It’s easier to warm up with cardigans than it is to cool down in a hot house.

I put a video of a roaring fireplace on the TV set from YouTube. You get the ambience of a fireplace without the heat!

Although it’s fun to decorate and share food, a happy family gathering isn’t a scene from a Christmas movie. It’s everyone feeling as comfortable as possible and embracing each family member exactly as they are. This is referred to as radical acceptance in dialectical behaviour therapy – it doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviour or suppressing your feelings, it means making peace with the reality of who each person is – quirks, tensions, and all – while focusing on areas that you do have some control over. 

Dr Claire Plumbly is a clinical psychologist and the author of Burnout: How To Manage Your Nervous System Before It Manages You. For more mental health tips, follow her on Instagram @drclaireplumbly.

Frame Of Mind is Stylist’s home for all things mental health and the mind. From expert advice on the small changes you can make to improve your wellbeing to first-person essays and features on topics ranging from autism to antidepressants, we’ll be exploring mental health in all its forms. You can check out the series homepage to get started.

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