Ever noticed that your inner voice is a massive dick? No matter how great you’re doing, something in your brain pipes up to say you’re not good enough. It criticises everything – from how you look to your attempts at getting creative. It can be so loud that you give up, fading into the background in an attempt to quiet the negative inner monologue. 

This is the curse of having an inner critic that’s a total perfectionist, and it’s one that many women experience. When you have a perfectionist inner critic, your internal standards are too high to meet, and when you ‘fail’ (ie don’t meet those impossible goals your brain has set), you’ll be extremely harsh on yourself in response. 

“We all have an inner critic – you know, that voice in your head that provides an ongoing commentary on how you’re doing,” Becky Hall, an executive coach and the author of The Art Of Enough, tells Stylist. “For many people, the inner critic has got way too loud and judgmental. It’s stopped being helpful and can be the very thing that trips us up.

“And if your inner critic is a perfectionist then it is a double whammy. Here’s why; perfectionism is a curse, pure and simple. Perfectionism tells us that there is a certain way to be, and that we will always fall short. Perfectionism is a fantasy based on an idealised form of the world. No one can achieve it because it doesn’t exist.”

Having a perfectionist inner voice can wreak havoc on your confidence and cause your mental health to take a real dip. So we need to learn to tune it out. How? Hall shares three steps ahead. 

“First off, learn to notice it,” Hall says. “Tune in and start to listen to when that little voice speaks to you and not only that, but what it says and the tone in which it says it. It can really help if you write it down. This usually brings us to the stark reality of the inner critic, which for many can be so dominant. The truth is, that when we do this, we may be surprised at how downright horrible she or he is! You may want to reflect on whether you would speak to your best friend, your child or your partner in such a way.” 

Simply the act of noticing when your perfectionist inner critic pipes up can be a huge help in beginning to ignore it. It can help to give it a name or a label, so you can separate it from reality and tell it to go away. You’d be surprised how transformative it can be to interrupt the criticism and say: ‘Oh, that’s just Susan/Nancy/[insert name of your choice here] being classic them,’ and then consciously tell Susan/Nancy/whoever to get lost. 

Becky recommends: “Once you have started to notice how your inner critic speaks to you, then you can start to build up some alternative options. Your inner critic is like that person at a dinner party who completely dominates the conversation – full of opinion, bluster and who loves the sound of their own voice. Imagine how much more pleasant and interesting it would be to invite some different voices to the conversation. Who haven’t you heard from that you might like to? 

“I recommend creating two or three alternative characters/voices – for example, your kind voice, your best friend voice, your courageous voice. What would they have to say to you? Try writing down some sentences that they might say.

“For example, if you’ve just said something difficult in a meeting or to a friend, and your inner critic gets busy telling you what a fool you were for speaking out, you could invite your kind voice to offer her point of view: ’That was such a brave thing to say, well done!’ It can even help when reflecting on your patterns of thinking, to speak the sentences out loud.”

“It’s unlikely that your inner critic will go away, but you can at least turn down the volume on it and allow yourself to hear from your other perspectives,” Hall notes. “The more we practise allowing alternative voices into our heads, the louder and more familiar they will become. 

“Neuroscientists have now demonstrated that our brains really do change when we practise thinking differently. Some people choose to keep a journal of their inner voices – especially when changing a lifelong pattern of thinking. The key is to get really good at noticing – and listening to – the voices in your inner world and starting to offer yourself alternative perspectives. So try releasing yourself from the judgmental grip of your inner critic, and learn to listen to your kinder self.”

Frame Of Mind is Stylist’s home for all things mental health and the mind. From expert advice on the small changes you can make to improve your wellbeing to first-person essays and features on topics ranging from autism to antidepressants, we’ll be exploring mental health in all its forms. You can check out the series home page to get started.