Are there different types of people-pleasers?

While there aren’t any official categories of people-pleasers, psychologists and therapists do recognise four main types, according to the Counselling Directory’s BABCP-accredited therapist Natalie Englander.

The first type is ‘conflict-avoiding people-pleasers’ who are generally driven by a fear of rejection. This means “they often agree with people at the expense of their own wellbeing to keep the peace”, says Englander.
The second type is the ‘approval-seeking people-pleasers’ who want external validation and affirmation and will go out of their way to win lots of praise and feel valued. “They usually take on excessive responsibilities and always say ‘yes’ to requests,” says Englander.
The third type is the ‘empathetic people-pleasers’ who desire to alleviate other people’s sense of discomfort or unhappiness and may get over-involved in other people’s problems.
The last type is ‘perfectionist people-pleasers’ who please others by maintaining a flawless image. “They want recognition for their competence and fear failure,” says Englander.

For Englander, people can also fall into ‘overt’ or ‘covert’ people-pleaser behaviours.

Overt people-pleasers tend to be openly engaging in a way that’s very visible to others. “These people seem accommodating and agreeable and eager to please, so everyone knows them for being helpful. People can take them for granted,” says Englander.
On the other hand, covert people-pleasers will engage in more subtle, internalised forms of people-pleasing. This might not immediately appear visibly accommodating but they are still prioritising other people’s needs. “They’re the ones that might downplay their own needs and adapt to fit in,” says Englander.

The idea that people-pleasing isn’t always obvious, even to the person themselves, is shared by Dr Thompson. “If people-pleasing stems from childhood, it may feel habitual and natural. Some people may feel uncomfortable saying ‘no’ and putting themselves first.” People-pleasing can also be hard to decipher from being kind, he explains.

Are you a conflict avoider, an approval-seeker or a perfectionist? Why people-pleasing is more complex than you might expect