One Good Thing: why you need to speak to yourself in a loving way (and how to start doing it)

woman holding up speech bubble

Credit: Getty; Stylist

Frame Of Mind


One Good Thing: why you need to speak to yourself in a loving way (and how to start doing it)

By Ellen Scott

2 years ago

4 min read

This is One Good Thing, Stylist’s Sunday series that asks experts in mental health for the one good thing we can all do to boost our wellbeing.


This time we’re chatting with Melissa Cliffe, psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP).

Hey, Melissa. If you could suggest One Good Thing we can all do to improve our mental wellbeing, what would it be? 

Talk to yourself in a loving way.

Why?

Our relationship with ourselves is absolutely critical for our mental health. Most of us have an inner critic or inner voice that gives us a hard time. It beats us up when we are at a low ebb and makes our suffering even greater. It tells us we are rubbish and should play things safe but we end up regretting that nothing ever changes. 

However, when we learn to speak to ourselves in a loving way we feel supported. It helps us through difficult times. We forgive ourselves for our mistakes and we become better at recognising the people and things that contribute to a rich and fulfilling experience of life.

Reinforce that you are a person of worth

Well that sounds lovely. How can we start to do it?

A good way to practise this is to ask yourself, ‘What is the most loving thing I can say to myself right now?’ or ‘What is the most loving thing that I can do for myself right now?’ This taps into the part of you that wants the best for yourself and helps to bypass other negative thought patterns. If that feels difficult (and it might if you are not used to being loving towards yourself) imagine what loving thing you would say to a friend or family member in the same situation, and then apply that to yourself. 

We can give that a go. What benefits could we see if we start doing this?

When you speak to yourself and treat yourself in a loving way it’s a foundation for better relationships, personal growth and honesty about what really matters to you in life. It enables you to make choices informed by your needs and desires. In difficult times, instead of beating yourself up with harsh words, you can learn from situations and make changes accordingly. Ultimately, you reinforce that you are a person of worth and deserving of love. 

woman blowing kiss with heart, self love

Credit: Getty; Stylist

Are there any potential ways we can get this wrong? 

There are two main pitfalls. The first is that you may slip into old habits of being critical towards yourself. It takes time and practice to form a new relationship with yourself, so if this happens, instead of berating yourself, congratulate yourself on catching the old habit and reconnect with your loving voice. 

The second pitfall is that you may encounter people in your life who are critical and make you question your worth, and this can be even more difficult if these are people who you have intimate relations with, friends or work colleagues. If this is persistent it can erode your sense of worth over time. 

Remind yourself that you are a person who deserves love, no matter what others say. Your own inner loving voice has your interests at heart and it is there to help you with these difficult relationships. Think about your support network and whether you can reach out to others who want the best for you. This may help you to maintain that loving connection with yourself and find ways to deal with external critics. 

How do you personally do your One Good Thing?

In my own life, I can be a hard-working perfectionist, and this can lead to stress. When I notice I’m feeling stressed I ask myself: ‘What is the most loving thing I can say or do right now?’ Sometimes this leads to me taking a break, asking for help, going for a walk or accepting I have done enough. It reminds me to factor in enjoyment, fun and relaxation.  

And how has this improved your life?

Speaking to myself in a loving way has made a huge difference in my life. In the past, my critical inner voice has made me feel low, seeking out all the things I find wrong with myself. If you look for faults you will find them. My loving voice helps me to recognise what I like about myself and this is a much better basis for a fulfilling life. I am clearer on what is important to me, I am forgiving when I make mistakes and I am braver in pursuing things in life that challenge and excite me. I am having experiences now that I never believed possible and it all began with the simple practice of building a loving relationship with myself. 


Frame Of Mind is Stylist’s home for all things mental health and the mind. From expert advice on the small changes you can make to improve your wellbeing to first-person essays and features on topics ranging from autism to antidepressants, we’ll be exploring mental health in all its forms. You can check out the series home page to get started.

Images: Getty; Stylist

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