It goes without saying that having a miscarriage is deeply upsetting. It’s painful, messy and often frightening – especially if you’re bleeding heavily. But if you are the birthing partner, it can also be traumatic to watch the person you love go through the ordeal of losing a pregnancy you both looked forward to.

We don’t really talk about the impact pregnancy loss has on our partners. In an over-stretched NHS system, support focuses on getting women through the medical aspect of miscarriage. If we’re not offered psychological support as standard, it’s hardly a surprise that our husbands, wives, partners or birthing friends are left to fend for themselves too.

Krissy, 36, tells Stylist that there has been no support available for her husband after she miscarried. “I’ve had three miscarriages and every time, he’s stayed strong for me at first then crumbled a few weeks later. No one ever talks about how it impacts the other half. I think he needed to talk to someone other than me. Even a telephone follow-up from a midwife would have allowed him the space to talk or feel part of it.” 

Anna, a mother of three, says that at the very least, a few days of compassionate leave for her husband would have made all the difference to her family’s experience. “My husband went straight to work [after the miscarriage started] leaving me to continue miscarrying while looking after two young children. Just having a couple of days together would have been better.”

Many partners feel unable to grieve or think about how they feel until the person miscarrying has finished with their physical experience. Brenda Evans is a psychodynamic therapist and the therapeutic lead at the charity For Baby’s Sake, where she works with families with multiple and complex needs. She tells Stylist: “Miscarriage can profoundly affect non-birthing partners, often hitting them hardest after the immediate focus on supporting the birthing partner.” 

The sense of loss both partners feel after a miscarriage can be overwhelming. But as Evans explains, “initially, attention often focuses on the birthing parent, and the non-birthing parent’s feelings can be overlooked. It is commonly assumed that the birthing parent’s loss is significantly greater due to their physical connection to the baby.” 

This, says Evans, can lead to partners being neglected by family and friends, while they themselves feel that they have to be strong for the woman actually miscarrying.

“My immediate and default reaction following both of our miscarriages was that my role was now to support my partner,” says Ben, now a dad of two. “Both were missed miscarriages and the second one was very complicated, so it was a long period of unknowns. I just made sure that I understood as much about it as I could and tried to say more than ‘it’s going to be OK’ – even though at the time, it didn’t feel like that.”

It took talking to other men who’d gone through a similar experience for Ben to come to terms with losing a child and the life he and his partner had been looking forward to. “I buried a lot of my immediate feelings,” he says.

When Emma, 34, had a heterotopic pregnancy (two foetuses – one developing in the uterus and one outside), she says her partner had a delayed reaction to it. “It was like he was waiting until I was in a better place before he let himself feel it,” she says.

The point is, as Evans explains, miscarriage isn’t simply a birthing parent issue. “It’s a family issue. The grief felt by all involved should be acknowledged and spoken about with dignity; everyone grieves differently, and this must be respected.

“Healing together can create much comfort and deepen relationships, so ask what the non-birthing partner needs and offer it with compassion, empathy, and love.”

When I had a miscarriage, my partner – like Ben, put his grief on hold. Sadness and disappointment had to wait until the physical process was finished. Clinical health psychologist Ravi Gill explains that delayed grief is often a result of shock. “Our body can go into ‘freeze’ mode, which is when denial kicks in as a defense mechanism. It protects us from feeling overwhelmed by our immediate reality,” she says.

“Being faced with immediate responsibilities such as supporting a partner, handling logistics or returning to work can postpone the grieving process. We become so focused on the ‘to-do’ that we find ourselves in a place where we ‘forget to feel’.” Gill says that in her work, she often hears patients say that they were too pre-occupied with practical matters that they forgot to fully grieve. 

“Some people also naturally compartmentalize their emotions, postponing grief until they feel they can handle it better. This could be learned behaviour from previous grief related experiences but delaying grief only makes coping with it more difficult.

“When grief finally surfaces, it can be more intense and overwhelming due to the accumulation of unprocessed emotions. It prolongs the overall grieving process, making it harder to move towards acceptance and healing. A lot of people experienced this during COVID; in the absence of funerals, family gatherings people have shared their grief was ‘paused’. Unresolved grief can lead to ‘complicated grief’, a condition where individuals experience persistent and debilitating feelings of sorrow and loss. Prolonged suppression of grief can contribute to stress-related physical issues, depression, or anxiety.”

So, as difficult as it may be, it’s crucial that everyone involved in a pregnancy loss gets the opportunity to acknowledge and address grief when it first arises.

Encourage open communication

Evans says that it’s important to create a safe space for them to express their feelings without judgement. “Listening actively and empathetically can be incredibly validating.”

Talk to a Tommy’s midwife

A non-birthing parent might want to talk to a professional who works in this space. If so, direct them towards the baby loss charity Tommy’s, whose midwives are trained in bereavement support. You can ring free of charge 9am-5pm Monday to Friday on 0800 0147 800, or email midwife@tommys.org. The charity also has specific resources for dads and partners.

Enquire about compassionate leave

At the moment, paid leave only exists for stillbirths after 24 weeks of pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean you both can’t take compassionate leave for miscarriage. More and more workplaces are recognising the fact that people need time off after pregnancy loss and some will have specific policies in place. 

If you or your partner works for a company without those measures, you can both still ask to take compassionate leave. It might be that you need a fit note from your GP (which can be issued for both physical and mental health) if you want to take more than a day or two.

Understand that your partner might not be ready to chat yet

“The biggest lesson [my partner and I] learned [after miscarriage] was about having communication boundaries,” says Emma. “I needed to talk things through but doing so with him would have put him in a bad place, so I knew to lean on friends rather than rely on his support alone – and vice versa. We’ve always been super open with each other, so it was an adjustment to not unload as default. Recognising that we were processing in different ways and at different rates was important.”

Know that any and all feelings are valid

Ben says: “In retrospect, the best support would be the knowledge that non-birthing partners’ emotional response is valid and needs to be considered, especially if you don’t have friends and family you can rely on.” That might mean chatting to your partner, a mate, keeping a journal or seeking more formal support.

Evans stresses the importance of recognising and affirming that their loss is real and significant. “Avoid minimising their feelings or comparing their grief to yours.”

Seek professional support

After miscarriage, it’s worth encouraging non-birthing partners “to talk to a counsellor or join a support group to connect with others who understand their experience”, says Evans. Check out the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) or Welldoing.org to find someone who matches your requirements. You can also talk to your GP, but remember that waiting lists for NHS therapists can be lengthy.

Connect with other parents

It’s amazing how many people get in touch with similar experiences once you start talking about pregnancy loss. Given that one in four pregnancies don’t result in a live birth, you probably know more people and couples who’ve had a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth than you think. Accept offers to connect with those who have experienced it or check out Tommy’s Baby Loss Facebook group. 

Share responsibilities

Sometimes, acts of service are the easiest way to show love and support. Take it in turns to look after each other. Your non-birthing partner may have looked after you in the thick of things or might like you to tell them how they can help you – getting your favourite snacks, changing the bedsheets, taking control of the dinner. But remember to return the favour. “Ensure they have opportunities to rest and care for themselves, and share responsibilities within the relationship to avoid burnout,” say Evans.

Remember to look after yourself

“While you provide support to your partner, it’s also important to consider yourself,” says Gill. “Understand that it’s okay to grieve and that there is no ‘right’ way to feel. Allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions is important.”

Images: Getty