How to navigate low self-esteem when you have ADHD – and why it’s so common

woman looking to the side mental health adhd frame of mind

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Frame Of Mind


How to navigate low self-esteem when you have ADHD – and why it’s so common

By Ellen Scott

1 year ago

6 min read

Women and girls with ADHD are bombarded with negative messaging from a young age – it’s no wonder so many struggle with issues around self-esteem. The good news is there are steps you can take to build your confidence. ADHD coach Leanne Maskell shares her tips. 


Being a woman is tough. Being a woman with some form of neurodivergence is even tougher. It’s not surprising that many of us find our self-esteem takes a serious hit. 

“By age 12, children who have ADHD are estimated to have 20,000 more negative messages from adults than their non-ADHD peers,” Leanne Maskell, an ADHD coach and author, tells Stylist. “Being neurodivergent means our brains work differently to ‘most’ people, which can be very lonely. The 30% developmental delay in executive functioning skills linked with ADHD means we may know what to do, but we just can’t do it, which can leave us feeling stupid and lazy.

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (extremely intense emotional pain at real or perceived rejection) can also manifest in our daily lives as people-pleasing, procrastinating and holding ourselves back. Unsurprisingly, people with ADHD suffer from low self-esteem, with an inner monologue that’s constantly telling us how we’re both too much and not enough.”

Constant braying from an inner critic can have a ruinous impact on our mental health. Research has found that one in four women with ADHD have attempted suicide. Receiving a diagnosis and professional treatment is, of course, an essential part of tackling this (which makes lengthy waiting lists and the toxic conversation around ADHD being a ‘trend’ especially devastating), but there are also tools we can all use on an individual level to navigate the ADHD and poor self-esteem link. 

Ahead, Maskell shares three essential steps for those with ADHD to bolster their self-esteem. 

Challenge your thoughts

“We all have an internal narrative playing in our head like a radio, but we can tune into this and learn to change the station,” says Maskell. “Noticing how you think about yourself is the first step – I only realised I was bullying myself because a friend commented on how I constantly put myself down.”

Challenge yourself to fact-check your critical inner voice when it pipes up. If your mind tells you you’re terrible at everything, remind yourself that this clearly isn’t true and go through the practice of listing off all the things that are wonderful about yourself to tip the balance back in your favour. It might feel tricky at first, but keep at it, and view this as a routine response to each nasty thought that crosses your mind. 

Maskell says: “Would you talk to someone else the way you talk to yourself? Understanding how mean we’re being to ourselves can help us to start challenging these beliefs – what makes you such a ‘bad’ person? It can be very helpful to link these back to our ADHD challenges, such as realising how we’re self-sabotaging because of this low self-esteem.

“Finding proof for the opposite thoughts can help us to reframe our thinking. This is especially helpful for rejection-sensitive dysphoria – asking ourselves whether something is actually true or an assumption. We can’t control or stop the thoughts from arising, but we can choose what to believe.”

woman looking anxious

Credit: Getty; Stylist

Ask for help

You don’t have to do this all on your own. Lean on others for support on this journey, whether that’s a friend or a professional. 

“When I realised how horrible I was to myself, I asked my friends to point out every time I put myself down or said ‘sorry’,” Maskell shares. “This was extremely effective because I had external accountability and could see how ingrained this was into my subconscious.

“Having ADHD may make it very difficult to ask for help and lead us to mask our symptoms, so the people in our life may not realise how much we’re struggling internally. How we treat ourselves is how we treat others to treat us.

“Talking to a friend or family member about how you feel can be the much-needed boost we need to help build our self-esteem. Even thinking about the relationships that make you feel safe enough to ask for help versus those that may reinforce your negative beliefs of yourself can be empowering, as you can consciously choose to spend time around people who lift you up, instead of putting you down.

“There’s also no shame in seeking expert support, such as from a therapist or ADHD coach. Having space and time dedicated to building your self-esteem can be incredibly effective, helping you to get out of your own way and enjoy your life.”

Be kinder to yourself

“Self-compassion is a skill that can be practised and strengthened,” Maskell says. “If we’ve never been kind to ourselves this might feel unnatural or ‘selfish’, but you can’t give from an empty cup. Looking after yourself enables you to help others – and nobody else is going to do it for you. Everybody’s happiness is their own responsibility.”

To get started, Maskell suggests a process of ‘reparenting’ yourself: essentially caring for yourself as you would a child. That means taking care of your basic needs – cleaning, cooking, drinking water, exercising, sleeping properly and so on – and not judging yourself if you find this challenging; often these ‘easy’ tasks can be challenging for people with ADHD. 

“The great news is that by accepting that you have ADHD, you have an explanation for these challenges – but not an excuse,” Maskell notes. “Knowing the reason you struggle with this allows you to stop beating yourself up for being ‘lazy’ and to make changes that help you prioritise the basics, such as by going outside first thing in the day. I go to sleep in my gym clothes, otherwise I wouldn’t go.

“If we imagine a baby, they are loved for simply existing, despite having needs – you are no different. You do not need to apologise for being who you are, for how productive you are or for taking up space in the world.”

Engage in a regular practice of self-compassion, in whatever form works for you. “I used to write myself a nice letter every single morning,” Maskell says. “Freeing yourself to think in your own way can show you that you are enough, exactly as you are, and can create your own standards for a happy life.

“Building our self-esteem can be an exhausting and difficult process, but imagine how much easier life would be with an inner voice that’s encouraging, compassionate and kind. Confidence ultimately comes from accepting that you are a human being, doing your best – and that’s enough.”

Leanne Maskell is an ADHD coach, director of ADHD Works and author of ADHD Works At Work and ADHD An A-Z.


Frame Of Mind is Stylist’s home for all things mental health and the mind. From expert advice on the small changes you can make to improve your wellbeing to first-person essays and features on topics ranging from autism to antidepressants, we’ll be exploring mental health in all its forms. You can check out the series home page to get started.


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