If the idea of someone not liking you – even if it’s for the most minuscule, non-character-related reason – fills you with dread, then you’re not alone. While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted in your community (it’s part of the survival instinct that kept our ancestors alive, after all), in 2024, many of us have taken our mission to ‘be liked’ to extremes.

It’s an issue that’s particularly prevalent among women. As young girls, we’re taught that being sweet, good and likeable is one of the most important things we can be, and social media has only amplified the value we place on the approval of others.

It’s hardly surprising, then, that people-pleasing has come to be seen as a positive thing – that it’s simply part of being a ‘good person’. But we’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s not. In fact, people-pleasing and the urge for external validation can be hugely detrimental to your health and wellbeing – no matter how essential a behaviour it’s portrayed to be.  

Speaking on the Work Life with Google stage at Stylist Live last weekend, Anna Mathur, a psychotherapist and author of the new book The Uncomfortable Truth, said that this is evidence of one of the biggest mistakes people make when they try to be likeable – assuming that it’s possible to keep up in the long term.

“I think the biggest misconception about being likeable is that it’s sustainable,” she said. “We’re all imperfect people. We’ve got idiosyncrasies, blind spots and toxic traits that we’re not even aware of [and we live] alongside other imperfect people. I think we need all give ourselves a little bit more grace as we’re muddling through.” 

While it’s easy to find yourself trapped by trying to be liked by everyone, Mathur went on to highlight just how impossible that mission is.

“Trying to be liked by everyone is a total impossibility,” she said. “It’s subjective opinion – what people think about the people around them can change from one day to another. For example, you might see someone say something on TV that gives you the ick, and suddenly you feel completely different about them. But if you really knew that person and understood where they’re coming from, you’d probably feel very differently about them.

“I think it’s important to realise how our own feelings towards other people can change with the wind, and recognise that’s what happens with other people too.” 

Images: @shotby_farheenxo