Seeing a loved one struggle with their mental health is never easy. Perhaps you’ve noticed a change in their behaviour that worries you, or they’re suffering from a level of anxiety or low mood that’s affecting their daily life.

As a friend, family member or partner, our instinct is to try to help, but sometimes it can be difficult to know whether we are doing or saying the right thing. Katy Georgiou, a psychotherapist and the author of Your Mind Matters: How To Talk About Your Mental Health, says this is a totally normal way to feel – and shouldn’t put us off trying.

“The fear for many people is that they don’t know how to best support someone who is in psychological turmoil, even if they want to,” she says. “Because of that, they may almost do the opposite and distance themselves or avoid the situation. It’s understandable – and it is important to remember that it’s not your job to ‘fix’ anything – but it can be empowering to know that there are little things you can do to be there for them and encourage them to get help.”

Ultimately, seeking professional support, whether that’s accessing NHS mental health services or paying for private counselling, is a personal decision. But if you think someone you know is struggling and could do with a nudge towards getting some help, this is Georgiou’s expert advice on how to navigate it. 

The first step to take when you think someone is struggling is to check in with them, ideally face-to-face and in a place that feels private, safe and comfortable, says Georgiou. You might say something like, ‘Hey, I’ve been thinking about you lately and I get the feeling you’re a bit anxious or down, so I just wanted to see how you’re doing.’ 

“You’re letting them know that you’re aware that something’s going on, and you’re leaving the space open for them to come back if they want to. You’re not demanding a response, just opening the door for a conversation they might need to have,” says Georgiou.

“This is incredibly important because it gives that person agency. It’s a powerful way of being supportive, it will make them feel less alone and nine times out of 10 they’ll be relieved that someone has noticed.” 

Often, we want to dig for answers and try to ‘solve’ the way our friend or family member is feeling right away, but really hearing what they have to say is far more important. 

“If someone hasn’t explicitly requested your advice and is just opening up to you, it’s vital that you give them room to say what they need to say,” says Georgiou. “My recommendation is to simply reflect back what you’re hearing. For example, ‘You sound really sad’ or ‘I can see that you’re angry’. Home in on the feeling they’re communicating and encourage them to keep expressing it.”

Although it’s natural to want to understand where their pain is coming from, avoid asking too many questions. “Try to avoid sentences like, ‘What are you angry about?’ or ‘Why are you sad about that?’” she says. “Often, especially with things like anxiety, it’s not so clear-cut what the source is, so having to try and explain why they feel the way they do can add to their stress.” 

This is where professional help comes in; a trained counsellor can help them work through difficult feelings and where they’re coming from at a healthy pace.

“Again, it’s important not to make someone feel pressured or lacking in agency,” says Georgiou. “You might just offer to help them seek out some support, do some research for them or go along to a session with them, and see if they’re receptive to that.” 

If you’ve had your own positive experience of mental health support, it can be encouraging to share how it helped you and what they can expect, too. 

A common worry for people suffering with poor mental health is that they’re being a downer or a burden on their loved ones, which can lead to further isolation. “If someone you know is in pain and you think they might be carrying around guilt on top of that, it doesn’t take much to relieve that feeling,” says Georgiou.

“It can be a little thing that just lets them know they’re the same person you love and that they’re being kept in mind. Maybe you’re going past a cafe you often visit together and you drop them a text that says: ‘I’m here and it reminded me of that great time we had.’ Small boosts like that let people know that they’re loved. Don’t underestimate them.”

If they’re up for socialising, you could offer to do something low-key that acts as a healthy distraction. “If someone is feeling very anxious, for example, you don’t always have to talk about it,” says Georgiou. “It can just be about being present. You could invite them round and cook something together or watch a film – something that maintains the connection without the pressure of conversation.” 

Even when you’re not the one struggling, the knock-on effect of supporting someone else can be a lot. This is where boundaries come in, says Georgiou, and we shouldn’t feel guilty about setting them. 

“It’s worth checking in with yourself and being clear about what you can take on right now,” she says. “I see it so often: a friend who is well-meaning might say ‘Call me anytime’ or ‘I can come round whenever’, but then when they are expected to answer their phone at all hours of the night and they can’t, that creates some resentment on both sides.”

Managing expectations is a way to protect your relationship and your own wellbeing. “It doesn’t need to be harsh; it’s just about being upfront. You could say, ‘Listen, I’m going to be out of contact tomorrow because I’ve got lots on at work but I could pop round for half an hour in the evening,’” suggests Georgiou.  

As Georgiou says, you can only suggest that a loved one seek out professional help; it’s ultimately their decision whether they want to pursue it. But it is also worth considering whether you want formal support yourself. “Maybe you want a counsellor just to talk through how this is affecting you, especially if it’s very intense, this is someone who is a big part of your life and you can’t necessarily step away from it.”

It is also important to lean on the other people around you, she adds. “Avoid anything at all that feels like an intervention or a pressured environment, but do bring other trusted people into the conversation if you need to – friends who you’re both close to or another family member, for example. 

“You don’t have to manage everything alone, and in a group, you can each bring different strengths and forms of support to give that person the best chance of getting through a difficult time.” 

If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, you can find support and resources on the mental health charity Mind’s website and NHS Every Mind Matters or access the NHS’ list of mental health helplines and services.

If you are struggling with your mental health, you can also ask your GP for a referral to NHS Talking Therapies, or you can self-refer.

For confidential support, you can also call the Samaritans in the UK on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. In a crisis, call 999. 

Frame Of Mind is Stylist’s home for all things mental health and the mind. From expert advice on the small changes you can make to improve your wellbeing to first-person essays and features on topics ranging from autism to antidepressants, we’ll be exploring mental health in all its forms. You can check out the series home page to get started. 

Images: Getty