How do you feel about feelings? If you’re anything like us, you might prefer to keep them out of touching distance. Feelings are a bit, well, touchy-feely. They can be messy and complicated and a bit of a bloody inconvenience. 

Most of us are pretty rubbish at dealing with difficult feelings. True emotional intelligence is a rare trait, and few of us can say we’re entirely comfortable when experiencing and expressing our emotions. But the good news is there are ways to get better at this. The slightly tougher news is that it’ll take some practice. 

“Many of us will be relaxed about expressing what we consider to be pleasant emotions such as joy or passion,” says Natalie Boudou, an emotional intelligence expert, executive coach and the author of HumanForce: The Power Of Emotions In A Changing Workplace. “We will however struggle with the more unpleasant emotions such as fear, sadness or anger. We may even have trouble identifying such emotions when they arise as we prefer to ignore or suppress them for fear of how others will perceive us. 

“How often do you say ‘I’m fine’ when asked the typical question of ‘How are you?’ Perhaps you say it even if you are not doing well. It’s become a reflex response for most of us, and it is rare for people to open up and name any other emotions which might be present. It is true that at times “I’m fine” is deemed to be an appropriate response as we pass each other in the corridors. It may not be the time to bear your soul as you simply greet and move on. However, there are times in our lives – both at work and at home – when it can be very important to identify and verbalise how we really feel.”

The key to being able to understand and express your feelings is emotional intelligence. So how do we build that? Boudou recommends taking five steps. 

“Acceptance of emotions is the first step towards improved emotional health,” Boudou tells us. “It does not mean tolerating or enduring your emotions. It is about making space for whatever shows up in the moment, pleasant or unpleasant. 

“Accepting or welcoming emotions is about feeling them in your body and being open to the messages they bring. Emotions come and go and by welcoming them rather than suppressing them we can handle the painful ones more effectively.”

Take a moment to notice how you’re feeling, without judging or labelling it. It can even be helpful to physically note down your emotions throughout the day. 

Boudou says: “We are all busier than ever and certainly more distracted. Finding small moments in the day when you can tune into your body and your feelings is essential and gives you the space to pause and identify what is going on. 

“Paying attention doesn’t require lengthy meditations. You can achieve amazing results by practising mindful moments for a few minutes at a time over the course of a day. You may, for example, pay attention to how you feel when you take your shower in the morning, as you walk to work or even when you have your coffee breaks during the day.”

“Most of us do not make the link between emotions and the physical sensations they produce in our bodies,” Boudou explains. “Getting familiar with where you feel your emotions will be a huge step to recognising them when they arise. 

“We all feel emotions in a different way. Some may experience anger as a knot in their stomach whilst others may feel it as a sense of heat rising in their face. 

“Spend some time thinking back to occasions when you experienced joy, fear, sadness and anger and when you connect to these moments, notice where you feel the sensations in your body. This exercise helps you to tune into how you experience different emotions and raise your awareness of them as they arise.”

Once you start to recognise and experience your emotions, you can begin to identify them. Specificity is key, here. 

“Once we label our emotions, we are paying attention to them,” Boudou notes. “But this is not as simple as it may sound. In the same way as we often struggle to articulate our feelings, we find it hard to label our emotions. Most of us have a limited vocabulary of emotions. We often struggle to recognise or label the more nuanced ones and miss opportunities to really understand what we feel. 

“There are many extended lists of emotions that you can find on the internet. When you look at the lists you may find for example that what you thought was ‘anger’ is in fact ‘frustration’ or that ‘humiliation’ is more accurate than ‘ashamed’ for what you feel when a colleague shouts at you during a meeting. You can use these lists at home with your family to get them used to the range of emotions and to become more familiar with them.” 

“When we feel an emotion, it is rarely straightforward,” says Boudou. “There may be a complex web of events and memories leading up to this moment where one emotion will lead onto or provoke another. A bit of probing may be required to get to the bottom of things. It can be helpful to have a set of questions that you can use to become an emotional detective:

• What has just happened?
• What physical sensations am I feeling?
• What could have caused this feeling?
• What happened earlier today?
• What else is going on here?

“Sometimes your initial assumptions about the way you are feeling can be wrong. By using the questions and digging a little will help you to clarify and you will be better equipped to work out what to do next.”

Images: Getty; Stylist