You’ll know, if you have a history of depression, how difficult it can be to communicate while knee-deep in an episode. From explaining feelings of sadness to loved ones, to suggesting ways in which they can show you support, it can be hard to articulate what you’re experiencing and what you need during these times. This can lead to frustration and tension for both parties. 

“I have about a thousand ways that I think that you could be supportive but they’re all tiny, and little, and insignificant, and it feels weird to have the conversation and tell you a thousand things that you could do, so instead I’m just gonna continue being sad and we’ll both be frustrated.” Sound familiar? This is how TikTok user @sharon.a.life (Sharon Johnson) sums up past interactions with her husband whenever he tried to help her through a depressive period. In a video shared to the platform, she discussed the difficulties associated with identifying and explaining triggers to partners, and how it can cause the person with depression to feel unsupported and the partner shut out. 

Johnson also shared a technique that she credits with revolutionising” her “depressed married life”: writing a depression support list.

“After 15 years I think we might have come up with a solution,” she said. “I typed it out. I typed out the thousand things that he could do to support me when I’m depressed, and I told him, ‘I don’t need you to do all of these things but here are a thousand ideas of things that you can do’.”

Her list – which Johnson said her husband responded positively to, with curious questions and requests for clarification – included everything from helping her complete a project to helping her go to bed at a decent hour. In other words, simple actions that could have a huge impact on her mental wellbeing. 

“It was genius because sometimes when he’s talking his face is saying something that his mouth is not saying, and then I get stressed and then he gets stressed, and then we’re just not really hearing each other and it’s not helpful,” she continued.

Should you and your partner create your own depression support list? We asked the experts to find out.

While Johnson and her partner created their list together, according to Dr Becky Spelman, psychologist and founder at Private Therapy Clinic, a depression support list may also be put together by a mental health professional for a patient. “It could include contact information, details about local support groups, information about depression symptoms and treatments, and coping strategies,” she explains. “I have certainly recommended these things before, but it is great to see this TikTok user curating a list for her husband based on her own specific needs.”

Although not an industry standard technique, Georgina Sturmer, a counsellor and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), says the depression support list method aligns with a few key concepts often used in counselling. 

Understanding what we need

“There are so many different things that we can do, or that others can help us with, when we’re experiencing depression or struggling with our feelings,” Sturmer says. But when we are ‘in the moment’ or feeling low, it can be really hard to identify these. “By being proactive, we can take steps to identify what we need.”

Exploring how we deserve to be treated by other people

“If we are struggling with our confidence or self-esteem, it can be hard to ask for help,” Sturmer says. “Maybe we don’t believe that we deserve to be treated a certain way, or it’s ingrained in us to focus on pleasing other people.”

Communicating our needs

Figuring out how we can communicate what we need to our loved ones is important, Sturmer adds – “without feeling needy, embarrassed, angry or frustrated that they haven’t anticipated our every need, or read our minds”.

If you struggle to effectively communicate verbally when you’re experiencing symptoms of depression, a list provides an alternative to ensure that you can still access the support you need from your partner. It may help them navigate the episode, too. “It can strengthen the relationship by increasing your partner’s awareness of how you are feeling and allowing them to actively participate in your journey towards recovery and wellbeing,” says Dr Spelman.

That said, there are some potential drawbacks too. If the list is extensive, for instance, this could be perceived by your partner as overwhelming, especially if they don’t feel equipped to navigate or understand them properly. 

“Your partner may feel pressured to take on the role of a mental health professional, which could place stress or strain on the relationship,” Dr Spelman explains. 

There is also a possibility that your partner could misinterpret the list, perceiving it as a lack of trust in their ability to support you effectively. “It is not advisable that you rely solely on the depression support list,” Dr Spelman warns. “Professional guidance and treatment is often required for depression to be managed effectively.”

Finally, requesting support in this form lacks context from cues we usually collect during face-to-face and verbal interactions. “So much of what we communicate is not the words we use or the message we’re trying to convey, but how we are when we’re communicating,” says Ali Ross, a psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP). “This is where a lot of the mess, but also the beauty, in relationships lies. 

“Being depressed doesn’t always require support or need to be shifted. It might be exactly how we need to be for a time. [A depression support list] could task our partners to try and shift us out of something that we could actually benefit from residing in for a while. 

“In essence, if this is something wielded to try and solve something that might not even be a problem or the right conception of the problem, then it might make everyone feel as stuck or worse.”

If a depression support list works for you and your partner, and it helps to facilitate clarity and further conversations around mental wellbeing, then our experts agree it’s worth exploring. They do, however, emphasise that it’s not a replacement for professional help and open communication within your relationship.

And it’s not the only tool on offer that can aid communication in a relationship where mental illness is present. According to Dr Spelman, the most important thing for any supportive partner to do is to educate themselves on the condition their partner is living with. 

“It can really help to see things from their perspective and to be aware of symptoms and treatment options,” she says. “Listen to what they have to say, and offer a safe space for them to express their feelings without judgment. You could also suggest some self-care activities, socialising or offer to help with daily tasks when they are feeling overwhelmed.”

It’s equally important, Ross says, for your partner to understand their own wellbeing and role within the context of your depression. “Without trying to ‘fix’ anything, they should try to understand how it affects them and how they feel about it,” he says. “Most often, these lines of enquiry reveal that we’re out of our depth, have lost sight of ourselves and each other and some outside perspective can help.”

He recommends couples therapy, if accessible, for improving communication and rebuilding bonds throughout mental illness, as well as individual therapy for both parties. “It’s helpful to have a space outside of the relationship where they can better understand how their partner’s depression is affecting them.”

Frame Of Mind is Stylist’s home for all things mental health and the mind. From expert advice on the small changes you can make to improve your wellbeing to first-person essays and features on topics ranging from autism to antidepressants, we’ll be exploring mental health in all its forms. You can check out the series home page to get started.