One of my biggest self-monitoring discoveries since finding out that I am neurodivergent has been how significantly I am impacted by demand avoidance. Demand avoidance is something that many autistic people, especially, experience, and describes the way that our brains will be incredibly resistant to anything that we perceive to be a demand. This demand, whether real or perceived, might be an expectation, a request, or some other kind of external ‘pressure’, and, when picked up by our brains, can activate our nervous system, send us into a state of fight or flight, and lead us to avoid the ‘demand’ at all costs.

Pathological Demand Avoidance (or PDA) was previously considered to be a unique profile of autism. However, more recently, the community have begun to reframe PDA as standing for a Persistent Drive for Autonomy, as this feels more neurodivergence-affirming than something being ‘pathological’, as well as more accurate in terms of our internal experience rather than viewing it from an out sider’s perspective. We have also started to see demand avoidance as being another trait or experience that falls within the autistic spectrum, which different autistic people experience to a greater or lesser degree, rather than being a separate ‘profile’. Demand avoidance, or drive for autonomy, is something that has a huge impact on the way that I am able to live, work and behave.

One example that you might find easy to relate to (whether you are an autistic person or not) is when you are just about to empty the dishwasher, and somebody says, ‘Oh, please could you empty the dishwasher?’ or even, ‘Oh, the dishwasher needs emptying!’ Suddenly, even though you were literally just about to start the task at hand, you might feel a really strong resistance to actually going on to do it. This is the case for so many aspects of my life, all the way from struggling to complete actual demands, like instructions, through to seemingly silly things like not being able to watch popular films when they are first released because the ‘buzz’ or ‘hype’ around them feels like a demand that I ‘should’ watch it, and so my demand avoidance immediately feels like it has lost some sort of autonomy and resists watching it.

After self-monitoring and figuring out that I experience demand avoidance, I’m able to work with my brain (instead of against it) by removing demands from my life wherever possible. By doing this, I’m lessening the amount of times that my nervous system is triggered into resisting certain tasks, and therefore I am more likely to be able to get them done. Below is a list of some of the ways that I have put this into practice, with some space for you to reflect on your own examples of ‘demands’ that you could reduce or replace. 

• Instead of having a set posting schedule for my social media accounts – for example, that I must post a quote every Monday, a video every Tuesday, and so on – I just allow myself to post as and when I feel like it.
• Instead of scheduling certain tasks in my calendar for a certain date and time in advance (which then feels like a demand to complete them at that time), I will put them on my to-do list for the week and then pick out the tasks that I am going to complete each day. 
• Instead of making a meal plan for the week (which then feels like a demand to cook or eat that meal on that day), you could make a list of the meals that you will eat throughout the week, buy the ingredients, and then allow yourself to choose which meal you fancy on the day. 

What are some ways you could reduce or reframe demands in your life? 

This is an edited extract from How to be You: Say Goodbye to Should, Would and Could So That You Can by Ellie Middleton, out now.

Images: Getty