As someone with a tendency to over-apologise, it’s laughable how often I say “sorry”. Just this morning I apologised twice to two men in the supermarket when I needed to get past, despite them blocking the aisle and being more interested in their conversation than aware of other shoppers. Later, while having my gel nail polish removed at a local salon, I must have said “sorry” three times when my nail technician told me I’d left too long between appointments.

Of course, there will always be people who, like me, apologise over trivial things. One study found that almost a third of British people feel they apologise too often, with women apologising more often than men. But, could this be impacting our abilities to make genuine apologies and make sure our apologies actually have an effect?

Last week, Psychology Today published The Mystery Of A Genuine Apology by Joseph E Davis, a  Research Professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia who had tried to start a research project on apologies. Davis asked, “have apologies become anachronistic, mere formulaic gestures?” and detailed what an “effective” apology looks like – including using it as a means to heal personal relationships and affirming the wrongness of what we have done. When I think about the apologies I need to be effective in my life (I’m talking after a row with my partner, rather than when I’m side-stepping people to run for a bus in the morning) I wonder whether they’re as sincere as they can be, or have they become formulaic? During conflict, I admit I’ve apologised to my partner, friends or family because I’m tired and can’t be bothered to argue any more or because I think the word “sorry” will just resolve an issue there and then, rather than having to work harder at finding a resolution. 

But, deep down, I know how important it is to hold myself accountable. “A genuine apology is crucial because it demonstrates true remorse and commitment to making amends,” explains Dr Sophie Mort, clinical psychologist and mental health expert at Headspace. “Insincere apologies can damage trust, fail to address the hurt caused and can occasionally make the recipient feel manipulated or disrespected.”

If you’re anything like me and aren’t sure you’re apologising as sincerely as you should be, there are steps you can take to reflect on this and start to rectify it. Here are three ways to hold yourself to account and ensure you make a genuine apology when necessary, according to mental health experts.

Are you using clear and open language and admitting fault when you apologise or are your words somewhat hollow? “A genuine apology typically includes a specific acknowledgement of the wrongdoing, expresses sincere remorse, and often includes a commitment to change or avoid repeating the mistake,” says Mort. “Genuine apologies also avoid shifting blame or making excuses, and they often involve taking concrete steps to make amends. In contrast, fake apologies are often vague, deflect responsibility, and lack a clear admission of fault.”

Of course, it’s not easy to admit being wrong, but it’s important you do so and your language tackles this directly. “A genuine apology is born out of understanding the wrongdoing and the problems caused to the affected people,” explains psychotherapist Ali Ross. “If you show understanding of why what you did was wrong, it is reassuring that you’re less likely to repeat the error.”

There’s no point shying away from what you need to say, even if it feels awkward or unnatural. Acknowledge what you’ve done wrong and express that you’re looking for a resolution. “A sincere apology shows that the person truly understands the hurt they’ve caused and acknowledges their wrongdoing,” shares psychotherapist Hendrix Hammond. “Key indicators include maintaining eye contact and displaying open, relaxed body language, which signifies honesty and remorse. Additionally, a genuine apology often involves taking responsibility and a commitment to change, demonstrating that they are truly sorry and willing to make amends.”

As Hammond previously says, a genuine apology is making a “commitment to change”. So, it’s important that you know before, during and after your apology what steps you’ll take to reflect on your behaviour and resolve the cause of conflict. “Genuine apologies are vital for maintaining healthy relationships because they help restore, trust and mend emotional wounds and foster mutual respect,” explains Mort. “They show that you value the relationship you are in and are willing to take responsibility for your actions and demonstrate that you can see the world from the other person’s perspective. This openness and accountability are key to resolving conflicts and ensuring long-term relational stability.”

Ultimately, apologising sincerely and demonstrating a desire to change your behaviour is a step in the right direction to helping you mend relationships. While it will be other person’s decision on whether they forgive you, a genuine apology shows you are willing to admit fault and hold yourself to account. “In essence, sincere apologies are foundational to emotional healing and trust building,” adds Hammond. “They allow individuals to let go of past grievances and move forward, fostering stronger, more resilient relationships.”

Images: Getty