There’s no magic formula for making peace with the limbo, but there are tools that might help you to take care of yourself. The first step is often accepting that it is a stressful situation: you don’t have to be fine. You are allowed to find it miserable and painful. It is.

“It’s unfair that we can’t get around that. It usually backfires if we forbid ourselves from being stressed,” says Bueno. “If you’re still trying to have children, accept it won’t be worry-free; it’s about living with that and responding as best you can.”

Make a plan

Deciding whether to keep trying often feels impossible: how can we make a potentially life-altering decision with so little information?

As much as I would’ve been devastated for someone to tell us it would never happen, at the time I badly wanted to hear exactly that. At least then we could process that news and shape what life would look like. Exhausted, we decided on one last roll of the dice – and Bueno says giving yourself structure in the short term is exactly what to do.

“It’s really usual and understandable to make a plan, to try one more time or take time out. These plans can change, but it provides scaffolding, breaks things up.”

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