‘Sex isn’t as satisfying for me, so it’s doesn’t always feel worth it’

Chloe, 40, and Adam, 47, from east London

Chloe says: “My husband has a higher sex drive than me and it became a bit of a battleground for a while, but therapy helped us to have an understanding of each other’s different needs. Tiredness is a factor but the ‘orgasm gap’ also makes me less up for it. Sex doesn’t seem as satisfactory for me as it is for him, which means that sometimes, it just doesn’t feel worth the faff. Trying to switch my brain away from work, family and the tasks of the day and towards intimate pleasure has felt like a bridge too far.

“We make time to spice it up but the day-to-day isn’t massively satisfying, and I am sure my husband wishes we had more sex. I’d like to be able to ramp up my libido and find pleasure as easily as my husband does, but I’m worried that maybe I just need to accept that I’m not wired that way.”

Ramsay says this issue is very common: “The orgasm gap, where heterosexual men are far more likely to orgasm during sex than their female partners, is real. A woman may feel that she has low libido, but if sex isn’t that satisfying for her, she is not going to crave it. Sex takes time and energy, and if this is not being repaid in pleasure, it makes perfect sense for us not to want it. Closing the orgasm gap is about understanding arousal science and each other’s needs. If partners genuinely care about each other’s pleasure and are prepared to put a little time and effort into learning, and actually talking honestly about sex, the orgasm gap can often be closed pretty easily.”

“Sex doesn’t feel worth the faff”: 7 couples with different libidos on how they deal with varying levels of intimacy