You might have had a lot of sex when you were actively trying for a baby, but once you’ve given birth and started breastfeeding, it’s likely to be the last thing on your mind. Even if your body has healed, breastfeeding is something that can have a huge impact on both your relationship and the speed at which you feel ready for intimacy again postpartum. 

In the UK, around 48% of women continue to breastfeed for more than eight weeks. It’s during this period that your postpartum check-up takes place and your GP will let you know if you can safely have sex again. While this information is obviously useful to have, for most of us, getting the physical all-clear might come long before we’re psychologically and physically ready for intimacy again. You may have only just stopped bleeding or have wounds that are still healing. You may also be worried about getting pregnant again, which can happen from three weeks postpartum – even if you’re breastfeeding and haven’t had a period yet.

Of course, no one experiences pregnancy and childbirth in exactly the same way, and there are women who feel empowered and proud of their bodies immediately after giving birth and enjoy a fulfilling sex life relatively soon after. If that’s you, rock on. But if you are struggling with postpartum intimacy or wondering how giving birth might impact your sex life in the future, we’re here to tell you that it’s totally normal to find it tricky. The key is being as open about your feelings as possible with your partner and understanding why you might be feeling that way. 

To help, we’ve been speaking to mums and postpartum experts about all the ways breastfeeding might change your sex life and libido in the short term – and what to do about it. Remember: this life stage won’t last forever.

Breastfeeding involves being touched a lot – putting you at risk of feeling ‘touched out’

I have breastfed three children, including twins, and the main issue that affected our sex life was that by bedtime each day, I simply didn’t want to be touched by another human. I spent hours and hours each day with my boobs out, feeding – whether that was at home, in coffee shops, on park benches or at friends’ houses. Every time I tried to eat something myself or talk to a friend, I’d also have a baby attached to my nipple.

It took a long time to feel like my body was my own again. Couple that constant prodding, poking, sucking and milking with nipple thrush or mastitis and leaking at night, and that feeling of being ‘touched out’ became overwhelming. The very last thing I wanted was my husband pawing at my body. There’s not a whole lot you can do about babies doing what babies do, but talk to your partner and explain what being ‘touched out’ feels like. The more you communicate, the less likely you are to develop feelings of guilt or resentment.

Hormonal shifts can lower libido immediately after birth

On top of feeling knackered or touched out, there’s also scientific proof that breastfeeding can turn you off sex. Research shows that an increase in prolactin (the hormone that helps you produce milk while suppressing ovulation) and lower levels of androgen hormones (like testosterone) can lead to a low libido when breastfeeding. Intimate health doctor Dr Shirin Lakhani adds: “Breastfeeding also releases the hormone oxytocin, which is known to make you feel more relaxed and sleepy, which could in turn reduce your libido.”

Vaginal dryness can make sex uncomfortable

There are many reasons why your vulva and vagina might be a no-go zone after giving birth. Up to nine in 10 women who give birth vaginally will experience a tear, graze or episiotomy, according to the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists. And even if you escaped a tear or had a C-section, having sex might still be uncomfortable. Pelvic health osteopath Yasmine Ghadache says this is because women’s oestrogen levels drop significantly after childbirth, especially while breastfeeding.

This change in hormone levels can cause dryness, tightness and discomfort when having sex. Ghadache recommends using a water-based or oestrogen-friendly lubricant. “Consider pelvic floor exercises to improve circulation and tissue elasticity,” she suggests, while flagging that an osteopath may also be able to help with addressing any pelvic alignment or tension issues. “That may help to improve blood flow to the area and support healing.”

You might be more self-conscious about your body

After mum of two Anna, 39, stopped breastfeeding, her boobs “became limp and droopy”, which she says made her feel old. Her husband didn’t seem to notice, but having that anxiety played a huge role in Anna’s reluctance to have sex.  Feeling self-conscious about your body is completely normal after you’ve been through something as life-changing as pregnancy and childbirth. While many women will appreciate the fact that their partner wants to be intimate and finds them attractive, it can still be hard to get in the mood if your self-esteem is low and your breasts are engorged with milk or look a bit deflated after a feed.

Lily, 35, also struggled with the state of her boobs while breastfeeding: “One problem was the deeply unattractive nursing bras I had to wear, which weren’t exactly conducive to feeling body confident and sexy,” she recalls. It was only once she stopped breastfeeding, she says, that she felt confident enough for her husband to touch her breasts again. 

Early parenthood is exhausting – it’s totally fine if sex is the last thing on your mind

It goes without saying that whether you’re breastfeeding or not, looking after a newborn is relentless. The 24-hour feed-wind-change routine really takes its toll on parents, both mentally and physically. Most small babies like to spend some of the night awake so having sex in the small window where they might be asleep is often the least of your priorities. Hatty, 39, says: “First-time parenting more broadly was what made me not feel like having lots of sex rather than breastfeeding specifically. I was just so tired all the time, and I find that poor sleep is a big trigger for anxiety. Sleep was always the priority when we got into bed (and often still is).”

Now mum to a three-year-old daughter, Hattie recalls her wife, Karen, “putting her hand on my boob once and me just saying, ‘No, absolutely not.’ At least, that’s what Karen says – I was so sleep-deprived, I don’t remember that conversation at all.” 

Breastfeeding can be messy and boobs can change shape (which can be difficult to come to terms with)

When you’re breastfeeding, you become used to the many different sizes and shapes that your breasts can be all in one day. They might be engorged and full when you wake up but soft and empty by evening. Your nipples can become sore or cracked and you might need to wear breast pads if you experience leaking. Maria Elliott, from postnatal physiotherapy firm The Mummy MOT, warns that milk letdown can also occur during intimacy, which might feel awkward for some couples.

All of these breast changes will be new to women who’ve never breastfed before and can really change the way you view your boobs. 

Clara, 40, says: “I felt like I couldn’t use my breasts for both sex and sustenance. I had to choose one. I couldn’t mentally deal with the idea of my husband deriving pleasure from my breasts, knowing that later on the same night, I would need them to feed and soothe our baby. Although we still had an active sex life when the kids were very young, I refused to let my husband near my breasts for the whole time I was breastfeeding.” 

Hatty agrees that it can difficult to come to terms with what your boobs are actually designed for. “I think there’s a disconnect in women’s heads (or at least, there was in mine) between pre-breastfeeding boobs (ie ‘these are mine and they’re there to look sexy and give me pleasure’) v breastfeeding boobs (’these are my baby’s and they’re there to feed and comfort her’). It’s hard to feel like you’re both at the same time, because the two worlds are so far apart.”

Elliott says if sex is off the agenda, that doesn’t mean the end of intimacy. “Focus on non-sexual forms of connection like cuddling, hand-holding or spending quality time together. Let your partner know that a reduced sex drive doesn’t reflect a lack of love or attraction,” she says.

There’s no libido killer like a sleeping baby snoring next to you

Many parents choose to have their baby sleeping next to them in a crib or cot in the first few months. This makes it easier to feed in the dark and means you can hear them if they cry. However, there’s nothing like hearing little snuffles and snorts to stop you from wanting to have sex. 

“I was always listening and waiting for the baby to wake up, even when he moved to his own room,” says Abby, 29. “I didn’t want to risk starting foreplay if it meant I’d have to stop to feed the baby,” she says. New mums are always on standby, and that anticipation can lead to higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol. If cortisol levels are higher than your sex hormones, you probably won’t be in the mood for intimacy.

Whether you breastfeed for weeks, months or years, remember that it won’t be forever. You and your partner will find some balance again, and while your sex life might not be exactly the same as before you had children, that doesn’t mean it can’t still be fun and fulfilling. You never know, it may even be better. 

For breastfeeding support, visit the NHS website, La Leche League or call the National Breastfeeding Helpline on 0300 100 0212, which operates 24/7. 

Images: Getty