Patsy: What will you drink if you stop drinking?

Edina: I shall drink water.

Patsy: (Blank look)

Edina: It's a mixer, Patsy, we have it with whisky.

Patsy: (Running with four cigarettes in her mouth) Light! Light! Light!

Edina: (Provides a light) Pats, honestly...

Patsy: Bloody hell!

Edina: Not another no smoking cab, Pats? They must see you coming these days.

Patsy: Bloody bastard asthmatic cab driver!

Bubble

Ooo... Bear with me, see, I am hopeless with names, faces and people.

Saffy: (about Eddy's clothes she is throwing out) I could take these down to the charity shop.

Edina: (splutters) You cannot give these sort of clothes to the poor! Darling, I'm sure they've got enough to contend with without the added humiliation of wearing last season's, sweetie!

Patsy: Darling, if you want to talk bollocks and discover the meaning of life you're better off just downing a bottle of whisky. At least that way you're unconscious by the time you start to take yourself seriously!

Edina: I don't want a great, big fat bum like J'Lo, do I, darling? (laughs) I mean, how high have that woman's heels got to keep that nancy off the pavement now!

Patsy: The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic.

Patsy: Ey, Eddy, Eddy, remember that weekend with Mick and the boys? (laughs) Fantastic!

Edina: Fabulous days, darling. (To Saffy) Patsy used to go out with Keith Moon, sweetie.

Patsy: Yeah, sort of. I mean, I woke up underneath him in a hotel bedroom once.

Edina: Yeah, still, that was going steady for the 60s, believe me.

Patsy: Anyway, I just have to tell these tragic, little wannabes, do you know what I tell them? I say, 'darling, just stick your fingers down your throat, hack off your tits, keep taking the tablets and don't come back until you're looking like something!' Y'know?

Edina: Do you remember your first time?

Patsy: Y'know it's all a blank with me until 1968.

Edina: Oh, yea... God, I remember mine.

Patsy: What did you feel?

Edina: Well, just grateful, really, y'know.

Patsy: Why?

Edina: Cause you were always on my back...

Patsy: You'd think I'd remember that!

Edina: Right, time for another little drinky before we go.

Saffy: Where are you going?

Edina: New York.

Saffy: I didn't think they let people with drug convictions in.

Edina: Darling, it's not a conviction.

Patsy: Just a firm belief!

Edina: Who bloody needs 'em? Upper classes, who bloody needs 'em, sweetheart? They're all inbred anyway, aren't they?

Patsy: Yea, just a talking neck! Most of them have done away with features altogether! They have to marry a bit of common every now and again to ensure bone development!

Edina: (on the phone to Saffy)

Yea, lets forget about education, shall we sweetheart? D-Dio..bio..versity ... and everything like that, sweetheart ... We'll just come home now and live in the domain of ignorance, shall we, and watch Teletubbly videos if that's what you want! ... Yea, alright, we'll see you in a minute ... No, I am not drunk! How could I be drunk? I'm at the bloody zoo!

Edina: God, I hope you're not inviting that bloody, bollocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken bastard, pig-dog-man, are you??

Saffy: You could just say 'Dad!' I'd still know what you meant!

Patsy: Have you got something I can pee into? I want to do another test.

Edina: Bloody hell, Patsy! Wash it this time, will you? Anyway, darling, who was it you were with last night?

Patsy: Oh, he was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights...

Edina: Oh.

Patsy: Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls.

Edina: Bye Pats. Darling, bye.