Confession time: I might pretend I’m all about lofty TV dramas and fantasy epics, but there is honestly nothing I love more than snuggling up on the sofa, mug of hot chocolate in hand and watching a good, medium-good or even a so-bad-it’s-good Christmas romcom. Nothing.

Still, though, even I baulked a little when I read the synopsis for Netflix’s latest festive film, Falling For Christmas, which sees Sierra Belmont (aka Lindsay Lohan’s newly engaged heiress) suffer a significant head injury while skiing with her influencer beau, Tad, just days before Christmas. The duo find themselves on opposite sides of the same mountain but, while he is forced to rough it for the first time ever, Lindsay is rushed to a very rural hospital with minor bumps and bruises. There, she soon realises she has no recollection of her past – not Tad, not her heiress status, not even her own name.

So far, so bleak. Don’t despair, though, as she winds up being placed in the care of handsome cabin owner, Jake (Chord Overstreet), and his young daughter, Avy (Olivia Monet Perez), and, well… you can guess what happens next.

It’s the sort of synopsis that makes you feel as if you’ve watched the movie already, sure, but a synopsis does not an accurate movie experience make. And so I decided to do my homework and dive into LiLo’s Christmassy movie with an open mind and open heart, and it was… well, it was certainly an experience.

Here are all the thoughts, then, that ran through my mind as I watched Falling For Christmas. Make of them what you will.

1) Ah, Lindsay is an heiress who’s tired of her riches. I can just tell by that opening sigh

2) She’s like a snow princess! She’s being fed spoonfuls of caviar! She’s being pampered as she chats to her social influencer beau! Gasp – she IS spoiled

3) “Bad connection?” – absolutely brutal line of questioning from Lindsay’s IRL sister (that’s right, folks, don’t say I never teach you anything new)

4) Chord just skied on in to have a chat with Lindsay’s dad, but he has to beat him in a race first. I sense he will fail, despite being significantly younger…

5) Told you so

6) This fancy mega ski resort looks like my own personal version of hell

7) Oh man, Chord is there looking for money to save his ailing hotel, isn’t he? Of course he is. And Mr B isn’t here to bail him out

8) When Lindsay inevitably finds this out later, she’ll think he’s kidnapped her and all hell will break loose for a hot minute

9) Oh god, Tad is obnoxious

10) Chord spills coffee over Lindsay’s firetruck-red onesie (referred to affectionately throughout as ‘my Valenyagi’), and he doesn’t recognise her as being a famous heiress? How very Notting Hill of him

11) She doesn’t “do” bacon. Not even artisanal bacon. (Personally, I suspect she will “do” bacon before the end of the film because they’ve portrayed it as a terrible life decision to avoid the stuff. But what do I know, eh?)

12) It was almost too obvious that Chord would be a single dad with a cute kid. And a dead wife he grieves especially hard for at Christmas and a… a horse called Balthazar? OK, fine, I didn’t see that last one coming

13) This wee girl is like a human Christmas card and I’m not even mad about it

14) Dude, sell off some of these Christmas decorations and I bet you could pay off those bills

15) Secret tree angel hidden in a drawer alert!

16) Lindsay is absolutely working this Barbiecore ski look

17) Ah, she’s singing the Mean Girls song! Memories! Nostalgia overload! Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell, rock…

18) Oh she WAS singing it but Tad is a DICK and he turned it off because she’s too pitchy, apparently. Our girl Lindsay is all out of love and it seems, quite frankly, as if her life is absolutely going down the toilet

19) OK, I’m calling it: this Santa is the real Santa and he’s going to make Avy’s Christmas wish come true. And for some reason, her wish will be to have a new mum that looks exactly like Lindsay Lohan

20) Here we go: he’s proposing on top of a dangerous mountain like an absolute tool

21) To quote Regina George: that is the ugliest effing ring I’ve ever seen

22) Influencers always be taking selfies in dangerous and inappropriate locations; this much seems accurate

23) Just a thought: why do we never get a Christmas film about a guy falling for a single mum and taking her and her cute kid on? Hmm?

24) Oh, here we go: the kid’s sweet little wish has taken a malevolent turn

25) Lindsay is falling, and Tad is falling, and their stunt doubles are working overtime – but most importantly of all, thank god the ring is off

26) Chord spotted her lying in a little pink crumpled heap, and he’s rescuing her. No sign he remembers her, mind you. Maybe he has amnesia as well?

27) That doctor legitimately just implied she’d prefer Lindsay to stay unconscious solely because she’s annoying, didn’t she?

28) I’m pretty sure, by the way, that this is the same plot as Disney’s Emperors New Groove. Only instead of a rich kid that’s been turned into a llama and forced to team up with the poor person whose home is in trouble, she’s a rich kid who’s forgotten her memory and… yeah the rest is the same

29) Can they really just release her into the care of a total stranger? Is that… allowed? Because Lindsay is 100% right; Chord honestly could have a murder cabin in the woods

30) I love that every single item of clothing they’ve fished out of the lost and found bin for her is a festive plaid or Christmas jumper. Do people ever come here to ski at other times of the year?

31) I mean, I’m actually into the so-called granny gown, as it happens. It looks cosy

32) Tad has been rescued by a bearded hick called Ralph, and this guy is going to teach him so many vital life lessons, I can just tell

33) Meanwhile, Lindsay is watching A Castle For Christmas, which means that film is fictional and this one is… real? How does the Netflix Christmasverse work, anyway?

34) Wow, she’s taken a new name, Sarah, from a toy llama and now I think I’m bang on the money with the Emperor’s New Groove reference

35) I told you she’d wind up eating bacon and loving it. The Netflix algorithm isn’t here for people who don’t enjoy breakfast food

36) They can’t even afford a housekeeper, guys! So surely it’s… it’s fine and not morally bankrupt of them at all to take advantage of Lindsay’s memory loss. Right? Right!

37) Hmm, They’re following her around and offering her some backseat driver tips on how to do household chores, which clearly means they do have the free time to do them themselves, but they just don’t want to. The perks of free labour, I guess

38) Are they… are they giving Tad a sexual awakening? Over a man’s foot size?

39) Lindsay’s having a flashback to herself as a kid with her own mum, and now she and Avy are bonded for life

40) Yes Chord, she screwed up the laundry. But it’s only bubbles, mate. Calm the fuck down

41) Lindsay just had a tearful conversation with a horse, so maybe this is a Disney film after all. Either way, Chord just happened to be in the stable at the time, and he heard everything, so maybe he’s going to cut her some slack going forward

42) Gosh. Chord just said gosh. I didn’t know people actually said gosh in real life! I always thought it was reserved for, you know, little girls with pigtails living on the prairie and helping their mums till the land or whatever

43) Aha, the Christmas market downtown will absolutely be the cure for all of Lindsay’s woes! 

44) This Christmas market has everything, doesn’t it? Roasted chestnuts! Mulled wine! The real Santa! Sleighs for sale! Wait, what?

45) That snow globe is the ugliest effing snow globe I’ve ever… oh wait, I did that joke already, didn’t I?

46) Lindsay knows she hasn’t ever met anyone like Chord before, because if she had, she’d definitely remember it? What. A. Line. 

47) Incidentally, I love that we have a 36-year-old heroine at the centre of a Christmas romcom and it’s just… normal. None of this ageism and single-shaming that’s been part of the festive mainstream since Bridget Jones’ Diary

48) Lindsay made a bed, everyone! And she feels such a sense of accomplishment! Good for her!

49) Look at Chord and Lindsay, flirting over all the household chores he’s tricking her into doing because he can’t afford a housekeeper. Cute, I think

50) (Is it bad that I’m actually seriously into this movie?)

51) I love how smearing festive food on someone’s face is a love language in a Netflix Christmas film

52) Is skiing really a great idea, guys?

53) Oh yeah, she’s crashed… but this time she fell into Chord’s arms and it’s all fine. Further proof (as if it were needed) that he’s better for her than Tad

54) Alejandra is crying over an old photo album and revealing that it’s likely their last Christmas at this charmingly rustic little ski resort. But she takes a moment to tell Lindsay she’s as beautiful as her dead daughter, so that’s nice. Literally everyone is onboard with this romance

55) Also, I repeat for everyone who didn’t hear me at the back: North Star Lodge should auction off some of its millions of Christmas decorations to raise some money

56) Ah, she found his secret tree angel. Is this going to be a Beauty And The Beast moment?

57) No, it’s just a chance for him to remind us that Carla is dead. We get it, dude

58) Off to the toy drive! And, you guessed it, Chord isn’t just handsome, kind and almost worryingly into Christmas; he’s good at wrapping presents, too

59) Also, he has a Christmas girlfriend? Is that a thing? Like… a work wife?

60) Ooh, Lindsay’s nervous attempt at romance has been rebuffed because Chord has HONOUR, and he’s still grieving, and also it’s probably really not cool to make a move on someone who doesn’t remember who they are

61) Seriously, how many Christmas sweaters were in that lost and found box?

62) Hey, a fundraiser! Smart plan, Lindsay. You DO have a skill! And that skill is coming up with the most obvious solution to a problem, obviously. Hey, I’m not knocking it; this town needs someone to handle its logistics

63) Ah no, Lindsay has made Chord FEEL things! He’s afraid of making new memories! Even with someone like her! Sob!

64) How long has she been here, incidentally? Days? Weeks? The timeline is fuzzy and tis has all moved pretty quick

65) Ah no, Lindsay wants to leave. Best for everyone if she just goes. Except… oh look, he’s got the angel and that means… what? Is putting your dead wife’s angel on top of the tree proof you’re ready to move on with someone new?

66) Mr Belmont isn’t here for their terrible supervision of his adult daughter. And to be fair, she’s been missing for four days already.

67) Ooh, I bet they find her midway through the fundraiser

68) I love that Lindsay wore a sexy red dress so that she could walk down the stairs slowly and Chord could fall further in love with her, and then she covered up with a gold sequin blazer. I mean, I love it! But unexpected fashion move

69) And here they, are testing out the dance floor… except, before they can smooch, everyone from town arrives for the fundraiser. Everyone. All at the same time. All fashionably late. Ridiculously coincidental stuff

70) Ah, this has all zoomed into It’s A Wonderful Life mode, hasn’t it? Everyone is remembering the good times, and rocking up with cheques, and naming North Star Lodge an historic site, and this might just be the most generous township in the world. I want to live here

71) Chord is crying, Lindsay is crying, I’m… well, I’m not crying per se, but I’m feeling a lot of feelings

72) And just as I predicted, the fundraisers has been interrupted by Mr B and Tad. Lindsay suddenly remembers her name is Sierra, she’s engaged to a total doofus, and he proposed with a too-big ring. Facts

73) The movie’s most relatable quote comes courtesy of Mr B, who says: “I have no idea what’s transpired here.” Hard same, sir

74) Huh, is everyone wearing a sequin blazer? Everyone? Maybe I missed some important plot point here…

75) Oh my, a flashback montage of romantic Chord and Lindsay moments! Good way to bulk up the runtime

76) This Lindsay is not the same Lindsay we met at the beginning of the movie; now she’s making her own bed to help out the hotel staff, she’s cooking her own breakfast, she’s wearing a nice top and jeans, and she is eating (you guessed it) bacon now. Tad looks shooketh

77) Lindsay gets in a good plug for the North Star lodge during her televised press conference, but she’s not so good at fending off Tad’s unwanted marriage proposal. Chord, utterly traumatised by his first romantic experience since the death of his wife, is watching from home and he has has SEEN ENOUGH

78) Ah, but wait a moment; Avy’s Christmas wish still needs to come true, so she’s doing what Netflix romcom kids do best and persuading her dad to tell his beloved how he truly feels

79) And, just to hammer home the fact that honestly was the real Santa, someone has left a brand new sleigh outside for them all. With a bow on it. Quick, ready Balthazar! We ride at dawn! 

80) Very into Lindsay’s tartan blazer, and Mr Belmont is similarly into his daughter’s decision to turn down a cushy bit of nepotism and follow her dreams. Love that for them.

81) Thanks to Lindsay’s little press conference, the North Star Lodge is completely sold out, and still the phones are ringing off the hook. Rather than answer them, Alejandra lets them ring while she hogs the line to call Chord and tell him all about it 

82) Lindsay may have dumped Tad on Christmas Day, but he’s randomly decided he isn’t Terry, and I love this for them, too!

83) Ah, Chord is here and he’s declaring his love to Lindsay via a closed car window. Obviously, she’s not in there, because that would have been so anticlimactic. Thank goodness Real Santa is here to lead him to Lindsay (this guy is everywhere, and he’s giving me OG Princess Switch vibes)

84) Ooh, he’s being all romantic, and Lindsay’s angling for a job, and it’s all going to work out, everyone. Obviously they’re going to spend the holidays together! Obviously, there’s mistletoe! Obviously, Chord cracks an amnesia joke! OBVIOUSLY, they kiss in an impossibly photogenic golden sunbeam that bursts out of the clouds from nowhere!

85) Ah, Avy and Mr B are here, and god, this guy really rolls with the punches so well, doesn’t he?

86) And that’s it; we end on a weird skyline shot of people in a rooftop pool… and some totally not forced-feeling bloopers. The end!

So, while Falling For Christmas was incredibly predictable (and while its decision to dispense with all the rules of how time really threw me for a while), I actually think it might be… it might be pretty good, you know. Not only does it have all the hallmarks of a good Christmas romcom – fake-looking snow, attractive actors, light peril, and a warm, wintry ending – but it also throws in a few curveballs. Personally, I’m very much here for its 30-something heroine, its diverse cast, its sexually-fluid secondary love interest, and its cheeky little knowing winks to the camera; Falling For Christmas knows exactly what it is, and it’s entirely unabashed about it.

Am I, then, excited about the fact that Lindsay Lohan has two more movies coming to Netflix in the not-so-distant future? Of course I bloody am. 

Bring it on!

Images: Netflix