Relationship advice: when it’s good, it’s good. It helps us to feel confident, know our worth and navigate the minefield of modern dating. But when it’s bad, it can make an already complex, confusing and delicate situation even harder. But presenter Clara Amfo, author and podcaster Oloni, writer Annie Lord and psychosexologist Dr Karen Gurney are four people who really know what they’re talking about.

So it’s no surprise that their appearance on the Stylist Live Sessions podcast (which was recorded via the Stylist Live 2022 stage on Saturday 12 November), will have listeners glued to their thoughts on desire, spotting red flags and getting over heartbreak. 

Making up the esteemed dating panel, the experts shared their thoughts on how women can better tap into their desires and pleasure.

“I think it’s about being radically honest with yourself,” said Clara Amfo. “It’s so scary how we can quickly adapt to what somebody expects us to be so we can really neglect ourselves. But it’s about thinking: What do I actually want? What do I like about this person?”

Host of the Laid Bare podcast and author of The Big O Oloni agreed that it’s important to communicate your sexual needs with your partner, and shared a clever tip on how to do so if you feel anxious at the thought.

“Think of it like a shit sandwich,” she told the crowd. “You put the bad news in the middle and start with the positives. So it might be that you tell them, ‘I really enjoy it when you caress me this way, or I really enjoy when foreplay is like this. But this, that and the third can be improved. But I really enjoy it when this happens.” Using this method, you can express what you want and need in a way that’s healthy for you but helps cushion any rejection your partner might feel.

Listen to Clara Amfo, Annie Lord, Oloni and Dr Karen Gurney on the Stylist Live Sessions podcast below:

Author of Notes On Heartbreak Annie Lord also shared the important life lessons she’s learned about getting over someone and moving on from a relationship.

“So much of it is just time,” she assured the audience. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do, and it can feel really bruising when people suggest that you’ll ‘find someone else’ or ‘forget about the person’. And you don’t have to think about the relationship having ‘failed’, because there was a point where it worked but then something went wrong. It’s not you messing up.”

Elsewhere in the talk, Dr Gurney spoke about how the pandemic has undoubtedly had an impact on our desire levels, both for those dating and in long-term relationships. She explained how the idea of “sexual currency” is key to reigniting any dwindling sexual flames.

“In my work as a therapist, I noticed that a lot of people framed their sexual life as a switch, and beyond the couple of minutes a week or a month they’re performing the act of sex, the rest of their sex life is ‘off’,” she said. “They’re not doing anything to relate to each other, like passionately kissing, flirting, sending sexual texts; the stuff that connects you at the start of a relationship but tends to dwindle as time passes.” But without that currency, Dr Gurney said, you’ve got little scaffolding to help you move comfortably from watching Netflix to having sex, which has an impact on desire levels and sexual gratification.

The good news, however, is that there are simple ways you can create a culture shift and increase the sexual currency by tapping back into those ‘early days’ behaviours and reconnecting through actions such as kissing (not during the act of sex) and flirty physical contact.

Looking at the number of nodding heads in the audience, it was clear Dr Gurney’s advice had touched a nerve.

Image: Bronac McNeill